[[ThE mOsT bEaUt!FuL @nGeLs R tHe OnEs ThAt $m!LeS =)...aLwAyS...]]

2010-12-06T09:56:00.004+08:00

darling. i wanna remember all my dreams - the moments you came to visit me. (:

the last one i had was just yesterday. sunday morning. 5/12/10
in my dream,
u suddenly appeared beside me when i was sleeping. scare me sia. zzz
then i suddenly got up and asked "WHY ARE U HERE?!"
u said "to see you lor. :)"
yes, with that smile. :) love you ttm.
but i had to get up and prepare for work already.
guess what am i working in my dreams.. shit. KTV. -.- zzz something like kbox/party world.
and im working till 2am!
then u were like, okay. i'll wait for u end work, then we go eat.
we smoked at my house corridor and i went off.
in the end i dunno how time passed super fast. it was 2am.
but my working time got extended.
u were like bombing my phone with, end work le mah. im super hungry. end work le mah. im super hungry. -.-
then finally i ended work.
when i reached home, we quarrelled. cos u were superb hungry alr. :/
and that's exactly ur pattern, when u're hungry, u always lose ur temper.
i didnt wanna wake my mom up, so i dragged u out to the corridor to quarrel. we were smoking too.
dunno what we realli said during the quarrel, but i remained silent. and it was u who cooled down first and apologised. it was u who made me smile again. :)
u hugged me, so tightly, and i was smiling. realli smiling. my heart fluttered.
suddenly my mom came out and she saw the scene. we ran off downstairs without even waiting for her to say a word. then we walked to the coffee shop, had our meal.
it was @ 848. the ntuc coffee shop.
u sent me home, walking smoking and holding hands..
back to my corridor, we hugged again. this time, both of us were silent.
and suddenly u disappeared. and i was awake.
i was realli happy u came to me. but i was left feeling empty again...
it hurts so badly...

2nd one was...
i dunno how i suddenly landed up in ur room. on ur bed. i was reading my magazine as usual, u were beside me on the table, doing ur drawings.
i wasnt looking at you, and u werent looking at me. but we talked.
you were looking at ur drawings and asking me "so how are you?"
i was looking at my magazine and answering u "okay lor. you?"
maintaining your eyes on ur drawings, u said "im fine also. u take good care of urself okay..."
this one was realli short. after asking me to take care, im awake. zzz :(

1st one was..
when u just left, i missed u so badly. i find ways to look for u. and got one way, from one master. but we were told, we had to keep our mouth SHUT.
it was me and ale, dunno why it's ale, but maybe cos she was my xiaomei. we went through one weird long long tunnel. the walls are scary. and it's super dark. end of it, we came to a place like...hall. people were like competing, showing off. and u were like... very proudly, went up the stage. showing off ur basketball skills. we were squatting at the side. then, stupid ale, cheered and clapped for u. suddenly the whole hall went silent. and u walked towards us. that time, u dun even recognise us. ale looked up at u, and u still took ale's eyes out and play, and put them back in. stupid dream. -.- ale cried. u dun care her alr. then u turned to me. stared at me. i couldnt control myself. i cried and shouted "do you remember me?! im YK!"
suddenly u just kept shaking ur head like going crazy, and cried...
that's when i suddenly jumped up and got awakened.

i just wanna update every dream of you.
so that i can continue all these memories.
i dun wan all these, to become a PAST.
no, i dun wan.

2010-04-12T17:52:00.016+08:00

Separation brings

You never let me know it
You never let it show because

You loved me and obviously

There's so much more left to say

If you were with me today face to face

you promised to tell me your full story one day. but u didnt. im still waiting. waiting for the day that you'll be back and tell me everything. why did u leave before me. i told you, and i warned you many times. dun leave before me, i must leave before you. i told you cos i dont wanna cry so badly. i loved you way too much... you agreed. you promised. but where are you now? gone. vanished. i cant find you anywhere anymore... no more. ):

And you never got the chance to see how good I've done
And you never got to see me back at number one

I wish that you were here to celebrate together

I wish that we could spend the holidays together

ale's birthday, remember to wish her okay.

ale's birthday's tmr. we had dinner together, cooked by ourselves. went drinking last sat. were u there? we went from one plus. i stayed with them. reached home arnd 7plus. slept for awhile, woke up at 8plus and went out for work at 9am. did u see? usually when im rushing like that, u will get up from ur bed, help me to pack my stuffs, and hurriedly made breakfast for me. bread and eggs usually. bread with loads of butter. egg with milk inside. -.- i missed ur breakfast.. ):

you said you were disappointed in me, cos i had good results during secondary school times. was able to get into poly. yet i skipped classes and fooled around. in the end i quit school. i debated. and u argued saying that we shall see. but u didnt stay to see how high i can climb. im already earning my own money now. i'll be back to study. i'll be opening my wedding boutique. u said u'll be one of my shareholders. but...

remember how we used to celebrate birthdays together? all sort of stupid ideas. went holidays together. stayed in hotels together. i missed all these. remember there was once when we had holidays, we cant afford to go overseas? in the end we went geylang? stayed in the hotel there. for like...2 or 3 days? ky kzai. u me. then ale and yt and jayven came on one night and we drank? and ky was like going to the door and said she wanted to go toilet? but thats going out. -.- and ky vomited, but she's on the floor. her hands cant reach the basin, so yt flushed the toilet bowl and used that water to wash her hands? lol.do u remember all these... ):

I remember when you used to tuck me in at night

With the Teddy Bear you gave to me that I held so tight

I thought you were so strong

You'd make it through whatever

It's so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever

i'll always remember how we used to sleep side by side, how we hugged each other to sleep, how u put ur hands under my head and let me rest in ur arms, how u saiyang my head till i fell asleep when i went running to you and cry becos of my problems. i'll always remember, you're like my pillar of life... everything, anything, i will definately think of you. whenever im done, you'll be there for me. now, i only have all the tortoise you gave me. especially the big big super big one to accompany me.
I thought we can. i thought we really can be as close until the day we have white hairs. but no, you're gone. i thought you were able to handle everything. i thought im already there for you whenever u need me. i thought you will be fine. whats wrong...
i really cant. I CANT. I CANT TELL MYSELF THAT YOU'RE GONE FOREVER. and the word is FOREVER. when will you be back......... ):

it's the twelveth again today...

)))))):

i miss you so badly.

do you remember you're supposed to accompany me,

go out with me,

have dinner with me...

come and meet me even for awhile. okay.

specially to dearest val from line-

2010-04-05T16:00:00.001+08:00

it's the 5th again.
second 5th of the month that im going through,
after u went away...

sweetest,
IMY so badly.
do you even remember me?
i've been in super bad mood the whole day.
i lose my temper at my colleagues,
lose my temper at customers,
lose my temper at my mom,
lose my temper at my sis,
lose my temper at my friends,
even the one bestest friend of all...
im lucky that she understands me.
knows me from the heart.
i realli appreciate her for being beside me all along.
other than val,
she's the one, whom i can say..
even when the whole world abandons me, you'll still be there for me.
val did that.
now you..
i... cant lose another one anymore.

i keep remembering you.
remembered how i met you.
remembered how i became close to you.
remembered how we became girlfriends.
remembered how we spent our honeymoon period together.
remembered how we said we wanted to turn old together.
remembered how we said we will fight for our freedom to love.
remembered how firm you stood beside me.
remembered how strong you were.
when everyone rejects me and you.
remembered how much strength you gave me, when i wanted to end all these.
remembered the places we went.
i went to some of them.. alone.
remembered everything we did.
remembered how u made me laugh.
remembered how i made you giggle.
remembered how u coax me.
remembered how i tease you.
remembered how childish we could be, till the extent that we could chase each other around in public.
remembered how we fought each other, until we broke down and cried.
remembered how we got back fine together after every quarrels and laughed at what we fought for.
remembered how you hugged me everytime you made me angry, becos i said no matter what you did to make me angry or sad, just give me a big big hug. i'll (: and thats what u always did.
remembered how much FOOD u bought for me.
and remembered all the nice nice nice suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper nice sweet sweet stuffs that you bought - durian puffs, pastries, ice cream, cakes, desserts... yah, i got very sweet tooth. :x
i can forget so much things,
yet i cant forget every little thing you did for me..
tell me,
how am i able to forget all those memories.
im so tired of life.
seriously i am.
sometimes i wonder,
what am i living for?
so what if im so damn rich?
i'll still leave this world someday..

some people just cant understand the feelings im going through.
i dun say until like im very pathetic.
i know everyone has their ups and downs.
i know im moody, alot others are moody too.
but sometimes i just wanna be alone when im moody.
i dun wanna go anywhere.
dun wanna do anything.
dun wanna see anyone.
i just wanna go home and hibernate.
is there anything wrong with my way of handling?
dun force me... in the end we'll end up quarrelling.
i realli cherish every friend.
and i dun wanna lose anyone.
i wan my funeral in future, to be very very crowded. (:
not quiet, cold, lonely and silent...
i wan club songs. i wan noise. i wan everyone to talk and laugh.
at least keep me company for that last few days. (:

and to some people that contact me here and there.
happy jiu text me. not happy jiu mia.
HELLO?!
im not a substitute. GET IT?!
goodbye for good.
dun ever contact me again.

pls be happy there.
continue ur passion.
draw, sing and dance.
color ur world.
pls be very happy.
i shall try to stop worrying for u.
i shall try to stop crying for u.
u need to move on.
dun look back.
dun worry if u're worrying for anyone.
i'll try my best to take care of everyone important to you.
i'll still be missing you so much...
remember what u once told me?
bout pple having feelings for you?
u dunno who will still be there at the end of the day?
i will. and i am still...
NOW. even when you're gone for good...
im still hoping for one day u'll be back...
i'll be waiting...
...

2010-03-30T14:09:00.004+08:00

MY WISHES,
MY DREAMS,
MY HOPES,
MY WANTS,
MY NEEDS,
MY EVERYTHING...
are all you.
YOU'RE MY EVERYTHING.

i duno wad will happen to me in the future.
but for now, you're still my everything.
you're still standing so strong in me.
i doubt i can ever find another one like you...
i dun wan you to go and never come back.
come back will you?
go round the world, ONCE, is enough.
come back.

you said you wont leave me alone.
you said you'll always be there for me.
like how i used to be there for you.
you said you'll always care for me.
you said even the whole world gives up on me, you'll still be by my side.
but you're not here with me,
when i need you so much..
right now.
i wanna hug u like how i used to,
and cry in ur arms, and wet ur whole shirt...
i wanna sit down beside you, shake leg, stare into space, blow wind, and talk...
like how we used to do.
i have so much things to say..
i miss your company...
i miss seeing you everyday after work.
i miss eating with you.
everytime i'll receive food from you.
no matter where you go, you'll always remember to ask me to eat,
when u see nice nice food then u think i would like, u'll buy for me.
when u feel like eating, but u dun wanna eat cos of ur stupid reasons, then u'll buy for me and i'll eat for you...
i cant stop thinking about you.
my life typically SUCKS since the day u went away..
my memory's failing...
i dun wan one day, i'll come to the extent that i cant even remember you.
why did our fate end so early?
i thought we said we would be there for each other till our hair turn white?
i thought you said even if u cant be my girlfriend,
you'll still be the one closest to me? you'll still always be someone that i can rely on?

"we'll always be there for each other, till death separates us.." - pengz09

you said that.
in fact, u wrote that to me.
WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW?!?!?!!!!
it's been raining... heavily.
did u go home? do you have a shelter?
are u still squatting there getting drench?
are u still crying?
are you okay...
COME FIND ME AGAIN.
this time, i wont go home. i'll stay outside with you.
so that you wont be left alone outside @ my doorstep.
i know u cant come into my house anymore.
nvm, i'll stay out with you. as long as you come looking for me.
i know, whenever u have no one to turn to, and u need to cry out loud,
you'll turn to me.
im still here for you.
im still always here...
i'll be there sitting with u, till the sun comes up, and u have to go back...
come and find me.
remember, you still owe me your long full story..
you havent tell me anything about that story.
u promised me..

u promised me so many things..
yet u have so many things undone.
u promised you'll go after me, cos i said i cant live without you.
you said okay.
u said OKAY.
NOW?! u're gone.
why didnt you wake up that day?!
why didnt u open your eyes when ur papa, ur mama, ur aunt, and me, called you?
why didnt u WAKE UP?!!!
why did u give up...
why isit you...

i walked pass your house yesterday.
i went up.
i saw the shoe rack's still there.
i saw ur name.
the cupboard vandalized by you...
it's all still there.
i cried while walking.
i cant stop crying.
last time, im happily walking to ur house to meet you.
now, i dun even noe why am i heading there.
i knew i wont see you when im there.
i knew i had to walk home alone again.
but i still went...
everything's so heart-breaking.
i just need a hug from you.
i just wanna see you.
JUST A HUG! where are you... ):

NBCB!
bitch. i didnt know ur killing technique's so perfect.
u're a killa.
i didnt know u're an actor. PERFECT ACTING SKILLS.
u can just kill by playing pple's heart.
for this whole life of mine,
i dun wanna see you again.
this hatred for you,
im sorry, but it will never go away.
thanks for being such a CHEATER.
i hate you.
even if one day i die,
i dun need you to be here at my funeral.
till the day i die, I DUN WANNA SEE YOU AT ALL.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
pls spare us all.
i plead you.
im tired of ur fake character.
im tired of ur mask.
i dun wear mask when it comes to frens.
i duno why u can..
best.

oh and.
u.. can just get out of my life already.
i regretted having a good fren like you.
seriously.
u're typically so disgusting.
im serious.
no wonder till now, there's still no girls for you.
cos u're typically disgusting.
go flirt all u want, and continue being a bastard.
dun act as if u rock the world.
cos u dont.
to me,
u're just nothing.
nothing more than a piece of shit.
i've said my piece.
so, go away.

PEOPLE! I JUST WANNA BE ALONE. (:
one day if i forget alot of things, dun be unhappy. dun blame me.
cos i realli cant remember.
remind me okay. (:
LOVES.

2010-03-26T14:38:00.003+08:00

now i know what kiamie is talking about.
i can be perfectly fine at work,
outside...
i can laugh and jump and joke around, even though im not as hyper as ever..
i can simply say,
"yeah, im fine. dun worry. no lah, never drink already. no lah, im okay. no lah, i never think of dying already......." ETC.
but.
i drank. i flipped through all the photos. all the letters.
i couldn't take it anymore.
i really cant accept life, without you.
i really cant. if i've let u go long ago, i wouldn't be so miserable now.
if u didnt treat me as e one closest to you, and tell me EVERYTHING, every little thing...
i wouldn't be so miserable now..

i saw so much of our sweet memories.
i saw so much of your sweet letters...
i saw so much of the poems, the sentences, the efforts put in...
i saw all the love from you.
and i cant take it anymore...
i miss you so badly.
I REALLY MISS YOU SO MUCH.
stop playing mia.
last time when u mia from me, the most it's only for a day.
now?
50 days already!!! WHERE ARE YOU!!!!!!
come back home, will you...
dun make me worry for u anymore...
i've been worrying for you ever since i was sec 4.
ever since the first day we got together.
you're all i think about...
please, be alright...
i dun wanna hear anything happening to you anymore.
you must be happier than what you were in the past.

tell me, what else can i do...

2010-03-15T17:27:00.000+08:00

"happy birthday sweety"
that's the message you sent me on my birthday.
when you were just right beside me that day...
i flipped through all your messages,
and i realized im still missing you so much.
do you have a laptop up there?
are you able to read my blog?
or are u able to come right beside me and read?
simply say,
im still loving u so much.

IM TOTALLY SO NOT OKAY.
fuck those customers.
HELLO. like cant you even remember your OWN SURNAME?!
are ur seriously dumb or what.
then im being scolded for your own mistake. good one.
bitches.

have been in realli bad moods recently.
i dunno why.
im just too down.
there's just too many things going on.

im like working, paying everything on my own,
home is like... just a place for me to sleep and bathe?
i dun even have any allowance.
must well i just move out right.

tmr im going HQ for meeting.
outcome? nothing good.
be prepared to get bombarded. that's all.

sometimes, it's not that i wanna isolate myself.
sometimes, i just feel like being alone...
or maybe sometimes, i just need someone to be there.
a good fren, a close fren.
someone who can understand.
i thought i could look for *you, but u dun seemed to bother much..
u didnt even asked.
nevermind.

thought i'll be dead at home yesterday.
thank god that fishball lover - yingting was not in town. -.-
went drinking with her.
talked bout ...
i just..
we're just so not over it.
this fact, is totally not acceptable.
it's like u're just away..
one day u'll be back.
but when we realli think about it,
wake up from it,
...
you wont be back.
there's no other way im able to see you again.
no more...

sweetie,
u called me sweety.
sweetie,
sweety misses you so damned much.
):
do u know how important you are to me...
do you.
will you even remember me.
in ur next life,
will you still be someone so close to me?
i wanna see you again..

2010-03-01T12:25:00.005+08:00

i still feel like im dreaming...
i thought you're still around.
i thought i can just text you.
i thought im able to have dinner everyday with you..
i keep waiting for 8pm, so that im able to end work and meet you.
but when the time comes, i realised im going home alone again...
life without you, can be so deadly to me...
and im like a walking corpse in this deadly place.
i feel so aimless everyday.
my life has been work drink home, work drink home all these while ever since you went away...
no more that ultimate clubber-yk, which goes double o on tue, butter fac/club hop on wed, play on thur, supper/butter on fri & sat. no more club.
no more that happy and jumping around-yk. no more...

teach me how can i get on without you...
tell me. i dun wanna let go. i cant.
i promised i wanna be there for you.
and u promised u'll be there if i come turning to you...
but u left me all alone now.. im searching all over for you.
im finding ways to get to you.
are u fine... i worry bout you so much... really so much...

i've been trying hard enough.
to get used to days without you..
to put everything behind.
but seriously,
i cant.
i came across news about you again..
i just cant stop crying and thinking of you.
you're still in my mind everyday.
i just cant accept the fact that im never gonna see you again.

why find others and not people that are close to you?
cos u dun wanna see them cry?
but do you know something..
you still owe me one long story you havent told me.
when are you gonna tell me?
will i see you again?

im numb. im depressed. im sad. im hurt. im mad.
i can smile when i cry. i can cry when i laugh. i can sleep when im awake. i can be awake when i sleep.
do i even need to waste money to see a psychiatrist?
or shall i just....
byebye.
it's not that i always wanna have all these thoughts,
but i just cant help it.
im already too tired.
too exhausted.
i cant take it anymore...
if i have that courage,
if i dun think about anyone else,
i can just leave right away.
or at least let me coma. so i can find her for awhile...

I NEED TO SEE YOU.
wong pok pok misses lim pok pok so damned much...
i miss you buzzing around me.
do you miss my irritations?
):

2010-02-23T18:36:00.003+08:00

I just can't believe you're gone,
Still waiting for morning to come
When I see if the sun will rise
And the way that your by my side
When we had so much in store
Tell me what is it all reaching for
When we're through building memories
I'll hold yesterday in my heart, in my heart

They can take tomorrow and the plans we made,
They can take the music that we never play
All the broken dreams, take everything,
Just take it away
They can never have yesterday
They can take the future that we'll never know
They can take the places that we said we would go
All the broken dreams take everything
Just take it away
They can never have yesterday

why do you have to take her away?
you already took away my future, took away all the plans we made, took away all the promises we had, took away her love for me, took away half of my world, took away my happiness, took away my first love/my best friend/my sister/my brother..my very closed one..
you already took away everything.
you left me with nothing. nothing at all.
now i can see nothing but her pictures..
i cant feel her at all. i cant feel even her hands..
why do you have to take her away?!
she has so much to do, so much to achieve.. she's such a nice person.
why not me?! why dont u take me instead?!
i have nothing to achieve. i have no goals. im not working hard. im not someone nice.
im not...

where have you been..
why do i hear no news from you?
why everything is so different?
i feel so weird. so uneasy.
i feel so worried.
i can feel, something bad.
i can feel ur sadness? afraid?
i can feel u're feeling lost...
i can hear a faint voice..
"wong yk.. wong yk.. YK!!"
isit you?
am i thinking too much? or isit realli you?
what's happening..
this feeling's so familiar.
like when u were around, i felt something not right. i texted you. you dun reply. i bombarded ur phone, finally u replied. once u said "i want to be alone". i went looking for u hysterically.
until i finally get to see you.
you were drown in tears, bleeding..
at least i still can be there for you, holding u in my arms, wiping away ur tears, cleaning ur wounds.. in the end trying to make u smile.
at least i still can be there to keep you company.
now. i cant do anything. i realli duno what to do.
tell me, will u wait for me?
if u will, i'll go find u soon.
dun make my trip wasted.
i dun wanna be alone...
i'll be scared. maybe like how u're feeling now..
so tell me, will u?

kiam came ss to do facial.
he said he thinks im having depression.
i need a psychiatrist.
do i?
how come i feel nothing?
am i crazy?
same goes for irene mommy.
she said i needed one too.
she said that long before kiam told me about this.
they said seriously.
forget it.
i think i just need to be in coma will do..

do me a big favour.
put me to sleep.
dun let me wake up.
will you?
im so tired.. i cant go on like this anymore...

2010-02-18T13:23:00.007+08:00

Take me away,
a secret place.
A sweet escape,
take me away.

There's a place that I go,
but nobody knows.
Where the rivers flow,
and I call it home.

And there's no more lies.
In the darkness, there's light.
And nobody cries.
There's only butterflies.

Take me away to better days.
Take me away,
a higher place. . . :)

wait for me sweetie. . . wait for me~

it's been almost 2 weeks since you left. . .
i've not seen you for 2 weeks.
i've not been having dinner with you for 2 weeks.
i've not been munching on supper with you for 2 weeks.
i've not been going out with you for 2 weeks.
i'm unable to feel your hands,
unable to see your face,
unable to smack your chest,
unable to pull your hair,
unable to kick your butt,
sounds like im torturing you. . .
but that's how we always run around and played with each other, isn't it?
i still remember,
when we meet up with others,
while smoking,
always either you or me will start first.
then chase each other trying to hit back.
like kids. . .
it was always filled with laughters having you around. . .
im unable to hug you,
unable to hold you while you cry,
you're unable to hold me while i cry,
i can't be there for you,
you can't be here for me.
we can't see down and talk our hearts out. . .
not anymore. . .
why do you have to leave.
why isit you.
why isit someone so important to me. . .
why take away half of my world. . .
i miss you more and more, each day.
i still remember our goals together.
the things we wanna get together.
only bike-done.
and it's something i regretted doing. . .
if i didnt agree to get the bike together, things wont turn out like that.
today wouldn't happen.
where's our burberry bag together?
where's our tattoo together?
where's our malaysia trip together?
where's our opening of wedding boutique plans?
where's our mac book? you get pro, i get air?
where's our DSLR purchasing and sharing decisions?
where's our singapore flyer ride?
where's our next cable car trip?
where's our every month's 12th extra big big expensive dinner?
where's our outing together when u start driving, not riding?
where's our overseas trip via aeroplane together? you keep nagging at me saying you havent took a plane before. . . i was saving up some money for taiwan trip already. . . where did you go. .
there's so many so many infinite things we havent completed from that long list,
how can u just leave like that. then im all alone, facing this long list, lost. i dunno wad to do anymore. . .
you once told me, i was so hardworking, and i inspired you to work hard..
until i gave up school and work, i slacked all the way.
but,
you were the one who inspire me to have goals.
i gave up half way. side-tracked.
yet you dragged me back to the correct track again and encouraged me to perservere.
you were so hardworking. . .
why am i not e one to leave?
if that day i follow you back, im the pillian,
if those 'things' really wanna take someone away,
it will be me. correct.
i missed you so badly.

have been drinking since the 3rd day after you left. . .
everyday.
from little, the amount im drinking increases everyday.
i cant stop thinking about you if i dun drink.
i cant sleep if i dun drink.
like ytd,
i can drink till 6am and come to work @ 10am.
am i pro or wat.
why cant i just fall?
why wont i fall?
i just wanna fall and coma.
can?!

ky ytd said,
actually she dunno why.
dunno why me and val will end up like that.
we were so closed, until can still be tgt. but why just cant.
why things just dun work out...
maybe..
we're just too close.
understand each other too well.
tgt, becos understand too well, quarrel.
not tgt, lesser quarrels. but sometimes, still will quarrel.
maybe we're really just mentally and emotionally attached.
cant be physically attached bahs...
read up alot.
actually aries and sagittarius matches.
they can simply just be perfect.
maybe we just have too much arguements. . .
val, do you miss arguing with me?
i miss irritating you. . .
causing you to give that stupid face. . .
come back, will you?
tell me,
do you wan me to join you up there?
or you wan me to wait down here for you?
get reincarnated asap, come into my life once again. . .
even not as a lover, as someone realli close.
cos by the time you're back, im old already. ):
but i guess it's better for me to join you?
faster this way. . .

i dunno when,
i dunno how. . .
but i only know,
that one day,
we'll be together again. . .

2010-02-12T19:47:00.002+08:00

from 12.09.06. . .
till 12.02.10. . .
happy 3years 5months.

i dun wanna wait for u to come back anymore.
i just wanna go find you.
im missing u so much,
and worrying for u so much.
take me away.
im timid. i noe i am.
i wouldnt dare to jump down if u asked me to.
but jus make everything an accident,
and. . .
take me away.

when u were still around, everytime u have problems,
i can be there.
even when u wanna avoid me, i will go rounds searching for u.
till i find u.
and saw u bleeding and crying. . .
i would heal ur wounds, dry ur tears.
then u would cry ur heart out, and slowly tell me everything. .
i was glad i was with u all along. i was glad i was ur pillar.
but now.
i keep trying to reach out to you, but i can find u no where. .
i promised to be there for u forever.
i cant break it. and i never will.

seriously,
take me away.
will you.
if u're scared, there'll be me.
if u're unhappy, there'll be me.
there'll always be me beside you. . .

2010-02-12T13:28:00.004+08:00

happie birthday ky.
happie birthday weerong.
happie birthday amy darling.
(:
she definately remembers, becos i reminded her.
definately there'll be wishes from her. . . ~

i started a diary of you...
indicates from the day you left.
mia to somewhere so far, nomatter how i find, how i call, how bad i cry. . .
you're never gonna be back.
i miss you so badly. . .
until the 49th day.
if im able to pass it to you, i will.

till then, will you do what u told me?

sometimes, im just so disappointed.
in some pple, that call themselves, my friends.
jus a question will do.
are ur my frens? or are ur val's frens?
val's not around anymore. . . ur are not around anymore too. . .
aren't ur my frens too?

i've been with BFFs for these past few days.
the rest of the 6 of us.
have been with the tao huay clique too.
even others that don't meet me up usually,
texts me almost everyday.
this doesnt apply to anyone,
but just u two.
where have ur been. . .
mia as well? im disappointed.
let it be then...

i feel so lifeless without u around.
even let me be there for u as a fren, im happy enough. . .
but now. i cant even see u anywhere.
i cant even feel you. . .
i miss you, close one.

2010-02-09T12:53:00.002+08:00

i talked to you. . .
you came into my dreams. . .
i asked u whether am i thinking too much about u, hence the dream. . .
or isit realli you who gave me the dream.
u said it's u. . .
im crying, im touched. . .
till now u still remember me.
till now u still care about me. . .
i remembered u once said, im like a sister/a mother/a temp gf/a maid. . .
im someone so close to you, like a family member. . .
yet why when things are happening, you didnt let me know until the last min. . .

i thought u were still around,
i keep wanting to text you, to call you...
accidentally thought "val leh?"
and i snapped out of it and realised u were realli gone. . .
i know this is not the ending u wanted.
u've got so much things to be done, not completed.
u promised to meet me the next day to see doc with me.
then u'll take mc and we'll go shop for clothes.
u texted me half way, u're reaching home. . .
i was glad, telling u to call me when u're home.
yet in the end, u never reached home. . .
my heart was dead from the day u were gone.
take me away.
so that i'll feel less tortured.

i need to be strong, to be forced by pple to work.
to see u everyday, every morning. . . becos i cant live a day without seeing you.
i need to be strong, to visit ur mama, ur papa, ur aunts. . .
i will stand by them, becos they care alot about u like how i do, i can see how sad they are, becos they dunno well about ur life and they wants to find out. . .
i'll feel giddy if i dun eat, but i realli have no appetite.
i sincerely thank all my besties, all good frens, all close frens. . .
thanks for all your cares and concerns. . .
but,
im never that strong. . .
im lousy.
seriously, how i wished u could take me away. . . . . .

dun be scared that you'll be alone,
cos im always there for you. . .

2010-02-04T13:29:00.002+08:00

I’m trying to erase your scent now
I’m trying to forget your touch now
Why did you have to be like that
I can’t believe it, in the end you were that sort of guy

I’m trying to find my life now
I’m trying to meet my friends now
You obviously lied, and again, like a fool
I doubted that it was true

Can you please take away all the promises you made?
Even the petty habits, even the small memories
I’ll be burning them all away
I’m putting you, who lives in me, to sleep
The image of me that you knew up till now won’t exist anymore

In the club, tonight, for him
In the club, I’ll give him my everything
In the club, just like the way you were with that girl
I’ll love easily

In the club tonight, for him
In the club, I’ll give him my everything
In the club, please embrace my painful scars too
So that only for tonight, I’d be able to forget you

See your figure dancing inside the dazzling light
You place your hand on the hip of first girl you see
In the loud club, I shout out louder for you
You seem like you don’t even hear a thing

Tonight, I’ll also forget you for a while
I’ll erase all the pictures of you and me on my desk
It’s tiring, I want to escape from you but
Why do I keep remembering you?
I’m not okay

Can you please take away all the promises you made?
Even the petty habits, even the small memories
I’ll be burning them all away
I’m putting you, who lives in me, to sleep
The image of me that you knew up till now won’t exist anymore

In the club, tonight, for him
In the club, I’ll give him my everything
In the club, just like the way you were with that girl
I’ll love easily

In the club tonight, for him
In the club, I’ll give him my everything
In the club, please embrace my painful scars too
So that only for tonight, I’d be able to forget you

When this night completely ends
Seems like I’ll be left alone in my room
Seems like I’ll be crying like a fool
I still see you in my dreams
Now I’ll let you go
You shouldn’t look for me again either

In the club, tonight, for him
In the club, I’ll give him my everything
In the club, just like the way you were with that girl
I’ll love easily

In the club tonight, for him
In the club, I’ll give him my everything
In the club, please embrace my painful scars too
So that only for tonight, I’d be able to forget you

i didnt knew these lyrics can portray my feelings so well. . . . .
i didnt know u were . . . someone i dun wish to know anymore...

2010-02-03T15:16:00.005+08:00

I HATE THIS LIAR SO MUCH!!!!

what do you mean. . . few days ago, u bought this, and made me smile after i recovered, we got the same one. . . few days later, i can throw this away alr. b'cos it means nothing anymore. . .

I, alone, can't believe that you are gone.
So I waste my days,
want to see your pretty face.
I can't breathe, can't believe,
that I'm standing here without you
Babe. I long for your kiss, I just can't go on like this.

All the tears in your eyes couldn't tell all the lies,
will I ever be ever be me again?
The words I have said seemed to make it just bad.
Will I ever be ever be free again?
Someday. . .

Tears go by, and I'm asking us of why.
Is it worse, this pain, I don't wanna go insane.
I can't breathe, can't believe,
that I'm standing here without you Babe.
I long for your kiss,
I just can't go on like this.

im all alone. . .
seriously, i cant believe u're realli gone, gone away.
and to someone that i can never agree of.
look, i can be frens with pple that u once liked before. . .
if now, it's another person that u're with,
i wouldnt be like that.
i wouldnt avoid u as much as im able to.
i wouldnt leave.
how much days i've been there for u all along? even when we're not tgt?
519 days.
i've always been there, letting u know, no matter what happens, u'll always have someone to turn to. no matter what happens, i'll never forsake u.
you can act like strong in front of others, but i've seen every of you.
i realli wanted to be there to take care of you. . .
but i guess,
no need anymore.
u have someone to take care of u alr.
u have someone to turn to. dun need find me alr.
anything also can tell her.
dun need me to be there anymore.
now, it feels like it's all wasted. . . all my days, were like wasted. . .
i feel so lied, feel so hurt, feel so. . . disappointed.
not becos i love you, but becos as a fren that realli cares,
as a super close like-a-family fren, i feel disappointed. . .
i dun understand WHY.
do u realli love her?
she's so important?
that u can make pple dislike u, hate u, lose trust in u, leave u?
worth it mahs. . .

all along, i've been standing at the same spot. not moving anywhere.
always being there.
all along, i've never left.
yes, u may say u didnt point a knife at me and ask me not to leave.
yes, u may say it's me myself. it's my own choice.
yes, is im dumb. stupid. fucked up. all is my fault. my problem okay.
dun always bring the same topic that u helped me about in the past to say. . . cos im already changing now, and im glad im accepted by more pple. i know i was how bad last time, but now i know im improving. so i dun need ur past comments seriously.
i cherish everyone. everyone that has been there for me.
even pple that i thought i will never be able to talk to, can be my frens now. and i realli appreciate them all.
havent i been helping u all along?
havent i been always there for u all along?
when nobody's able to help u,
no matter how tough it'll be for me, have a shook my head for once? NO!
i've always been trying my best.
if that's how u're gonna say me, u'll need some soul-searching too.
both medidate together bahs.

"keep ur fucking comments to urself"
arent u like her?
wow, together then so fast speak the same way already huh?
seriously, u're so easily influenced.
soft hearted to me?
how hard hearted u wanna be?
u can be soft hearted to pple yet not me?
soft hearted until u can be called a fool.
i tell u one last time.
im not as strong as u thought i am.
I NEVER TREAT U LIKE A FOOL! ALL ALONG I'VE BEEN DOING SO MUCH FOR YOU.
YOU NEVER SEE MAHS!
U ARE HAPPILY ATTACHED. THEN GO.
COS IM STILL THE SAME OLD ME.
IF U WANNA SHOW ME HOW HAPPY U ARE WITH HER, XIN FU?
DUN NEED. I DUN WANNA KNOW.
SO,
STOP SCOLDING ME. U'RE HURTING ME EVEN MORE.
IM PAINFUL ENOUGH ALREADY.
I DUN NEED PPLE TO SYMPATHISE ME. BECOS IM STRONG ENOUGH TO STAND UP ON MY OWN. STILL ENOUGH TO......
when u cry, u still have me. but when i cry, everytime u're not here.
when u're sick till dying, im there. but when im sick and laid at home e whole day, WHERE ARE YOU. YOU SAY!
i know u care. . . but when important times, i cant find u.
u care onli when im okay. when im not okay. . u're like lost.
dun get it, nvm. i dun wanna say alr. to save myself from further being scolded by ur two.
no matter what, i know u care. sorry if im wrong. if i've said anything wrong, fine my fault.
okay~
i dun wanna argue with u anymore. every sentence u say now, is enough to kill me.
so u can jus go. i wont hold u back anymore.
one day u fall, also dun find me. =)

all i can say is..
im sorry. i will never agree to all these things.
and. . .
if there shall be a third time,
i will never be there anymore.
becos. . . u made me feel so not worth it.
and i never wanted anyone to sympathise me.
not like pple that belongs to u.
i dun announce to the world about sickness that im suffering from.
i dun wan pple to know.
even YOU, dont know AT ALL.
miss loh and suz. and ky.
i guess they can clearly understand how i feel.
how i wanted to leave everyone.
i just wanna be alone.
things that u never will understand. . .
i hate no one. i can be frens with everyone.
i can talk.
you see now. YOU SEE.
but i can tell you, no matter what,
i will never accept this.
i will never stop hating this one.
i dun care how ugly i'll die, but becos it's not once twice thrice, four times five times. . .
it's TOO MANY TIMES ALREADY.
i've knew much enough.
maybe to u it's all different.

wake up ur foolish ideas. . .

2010-02-02T14:42:00.003+08:00

我不是你想像总是扮演坚强
多想让你保护能流泪一场
让我放下武装像个孩子一样
单纯的把爱情放在你心上
我不是你想像的那麽勇敢

i may look strong, may sound harsh, may sound im so alright. . .
i can scold. fuck, nb, cb, bitch, slut. . . whatever shit.
i can scold everything out,
but. . .
i still think.
did i do wrong? did i misunderstood anything? was it all my fault?
in front of others, i smiled.
i kept quiet. hiding everything.
i wan to learn. i wan pple to see.
to see that im able to take one step forward and go.
but. . .
deep inside, im missing u so badly.
how i wished i can get a long warm hug from u.
how i wished. . .
in front of u, i was strong, stubborn, irritating. . .
but do u know im so weak inside?
do u know im trembling when i shout at u?
do u know i can just cry anytime, but i didnt. cos i dun wann u to see any of these.
i wanna be there too when u're happy.
but im always there onli when u're realli crying and hurting.
i wanna spend all moods with u.
but i cant.
i hid so much things from you.
becos u can never understand.
u never stood beside me at all. . .
u were never thinking for me.

i chose to leave, not to contact. . .
becos i dun wan anyone to sympathize me.
i dun need.
i jus wanna be alone.
my real mommy.
irene's my mommy.
angeline's my mommy too.
but why does irene knows angeline and my real mom doesnt know?
simple.
becos irene sees me at work everyday.
confiscated my atm card.
she saw me crying at work.
i got scolded.
she was there.
thats y she knew everything. BUT I DIDNT WANT HER TO KNOW.
i didnt say, becos i dun feel like mentioning anymore.
angeline mommy is lovely enough to keep caring for me, and ask me every now and then to update her bout my problems. i said abit. but chose not to say. becos i dun wan her to worry, dun wan her to be unhappy about anything.
same goes to everyone.
i dun say. becos i dun wan any unhappiness.
as long as i know u all are pple that are never gonna abandon me, im very very happy enough. =)
i lost someone i loved so much. . .
i dun wanna lose anyone more.
i love every single fren. i love u all for being there no matter how stupid, how stubborn, how bad tempered, how irritating, how disgusting i am... no matter what. i appreciate. i realli do. . .
but sometimes. . .
maybe im better off alone?

suddenly when u're realli gone,
it hurts so badly.
seeing u happy, i should have felt happy too.
i should SMILE.
but i cant.
why am i like that.
why am i like a dead corpse everyday?
i thought it'll hurt less this second time around. . .
but. it's still the same. . .
exactly the same. . .
especially when i see her smiling so much.
especially when i see her scoldings.
it felt like i lost thoroughly.
it felt like now im the slut.
im the bad person now.
it felt so awful.
she can lift her head up so proudly now.
but i. . .
maybe i should be the one that's supposed to die tmr and rot in hell.
someday. . .
it'll come. =)

anyway, it's been another day. 518...

2010-02-01T02:20:00.002+08:00

did the cutting trend just came back?
why is everyone hurting themselves?
IM FINE. is the white lie i gave.
ARE YOU OKAY? is the killer question u can ever ask.
tears. . . what are they. why do they roll down when pple care for me?
isit becos it's been so long that anyone ever cared about me?
it always have been me caring for that one person.
running up and down for this one person.
standing strong, trying to force myself to be okay, for this one person. . .
for others, i smiled and laughed like im so okay. jump around as usual like a clown. . .
but im so lost. . .
i seriously dunno what am i doing.
can someone pls tell me?
what am i supposed to do?
i thought i was matured enough to handle all these. . .
but i admit.
im still childish.
as childish as ever.
as stupid and dumb as ever.
i never grew up.
failure. . . am i?

nvm. one day u guys will be living life without irritations from me. =)
one day u guys will be happy even without me. =)
as long as u guys miss me, im very very happy enough.
seriously,
i love everyone so much. =)
and i miss everyone so much. . .

as for YOU. . .
my 2 years loved one.
missing for 517 days loved one.
go on and do whatever u like bahs.
if one day u feel like getting attached, go ahead. dun hesitate. in the end the one getting hurt is urself.
dun worry if u'll ever hurt anyone, becos it's ur own happiness. not others.
just make the right choice and dun regret. (:
if one day u got hurt like how u twice did,
u can turn to me anytime.
i'll still be there for you.
wipe ur tears, lend u a shoulder, clean any wounds, be a clown and make u =)
i'll always be there. . .
take good care of urself. and stop being a fool.
dun let pple catch ur weakness, and play u like a toy.
u have ur pride and dignity.
be strong. show that ur weakness is ur strength.
show pple that played u, show them u are strong enough. show them that u can go on happily and enjoy ur life. prove them wrong.

NO MATTER HOW MUCH U CHANGED,
I KNOW I'VE LOST MY LOVED ONE.
but im fine with it.
COS IM STILL THAT SAME WONGYK,
ALWAYS BEING THERE FOR THIS CURRENT ONE THAT LOOKED LIKE THE ONE THAT ONCE LOVED ME SO MUCH.
cos i know i still love. . .
take care and. . .
goodbye the one that once always beside wongyk. . . =)
actually from long ago, u're already a memory.
just that i cant wake up from this sweet dream, and face the nightmare reality.
scary.

DUN BULLY HER ANYMORE U BLOODY BITCH.
I CAN RISK MY LIFE FOR HER. DUN MAKE ME COME RIGHT UP TO U AND KILL YOU. =)
STOP ACTING PATHETIC OR WEI DA.
STOP ALL THOSE SENTENCES. STOP SAYING ALL THOSE THINGS.
IT'S NOT HER WHO DUMPED U.
BUT U SAID TILL LIKE. . . ARGHS. FORGET IT.
SERIOUSLY IT'S SO DISGUSTING.
GROW UP PLEASE.
SERIOUSLY
GROW UP.
IM CHILDISH ENOUGH, YET U'RE EVEN WORST.
STOP BEING SO F.UP.
U HAVE OTHERS TO PLAY.
DUN HURT HER ANYMORE.
U'RE NOT THE ONE SEEING HER CRY.
U'RE NOT THE ONE WIPING HER TEARS.
U'RE NOT THE ONE THERE WHEN SHE GETS SO HEARTBROKEN.
U'RE NOT THE ONE THERE SEEING HER PICKING UP THE PENKNIFE.
U'RE NOT THE ONE WIPING OFF THE BLOOD.
U'RE NOT.
U'RE JUST BREAKING HER WEAK HEART.
U NOE SHE'S SOFT-HEARTED, SO U TOOK ADVANTAGE OF IT RIGHT???!!?!?!?!
IM HATING U SO MUCH.
SO U BLOODY HELL GO AWAY.
I HOPE U ROT IN HELL. - my fave sentence. =)

2010-01-31T20:06:00.002+08:00

did i do wrong?

can u stop acting pathetic? dun act like u're so wei da can? it's u who cheated first, you who abandoned pple first, if u never lied, would things turn out like that?
when u lie, u still say until like u totally no wrong, totally..
still can say until like u're so good enough to let go.
u're hurting too.
u're dying too.
whatever and whatever.
why.
why are u so selfish.
dun make pple feel guilty when u're in the wrong.
she feels she wronged u.
i felt i wronged u.
others felt they wronged u.
but how many times have u done this.
how many times have u done the same thing?
how many pple have u hurt?
everyone was not like that. . .
until they met u. . .
u made pple dun trust frens,
made pple dun trust love,
made pple . . .
yet pple still cares and thinks for u.
how selfish can u be seriously.
hurt once is enough, but yet u hurt so many times.
u knew pple's weakness,
u knew everything,
and so u thought u were so clever?
and so u can take advantage of others?
and so u can have the whole world sympathizing u?
you...
are realli so clever...
dun play with us small kids. . .
we can never win you.
spare us hao mahs. . .

2010-01-28T17:57:00.002+08:00

EH NA BEI CCB!
STOP ACTING ONE FUCKING PATHETIC CAN?!
SERIOUSLY I CANT STAND YOU.
KNOWING EVERYTHING MAKES ME SERIOUSLY HATE U TO THE MAX.
KNN.
I SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY HOPE YOU'LL DIE AND FUCKING ROT LIKE FUCK IN HELL.
CB
SERIOUSLY I CANT UNDERSTAND.
WHY SOME PPLE CAN BE SO FUCKING FAKE?!
"OH IM SORRY"
"I LOVE YOU"
"IM SORRY I HURT YOU"
DO YOU SERIOUSLY MEAN IT FROM DEEP IN UR HEART?!
OR U FUCKING SAY IT BECOS U NOE U'RE REALLY GONNA LOSE THIS PERSON NOW?
NOTHING HAPPEN THEN PLAY LIKE FUCK, CHEAT LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS, LIE LIKE NOBODY KNOWS?!
THEN WHEN THINGS HAPPEN, U TRY TO HOLD BACK.
ACT PATHETIC, CRY, HOLD BACK.
MAKE PPLE HEARTACHE FOR YOU.
MAKE PPLE SOFTEN THEIR HEART FOR YOU.
KNN LAH HOR! CB U HOW OLD ALREADY?!
GROW UP CAN?! BE MATURE CAN?!
FLIRT ENOUGH?
CAREFUL OF RETRIBUTION U THIS FUCKING BITCH.
OH SORRY. NOT BITCH. SLUT.
GO COUNT.
HOW MANY PPLE U HURT?
AND U STILL CAN ACT ONE PATHETIC AND MAKE PPLE SYMPATISE YOU?!
YAH YAH YAH. THE WHOLE WORLD NOES U'RE DYING.
PROUD OF IT?
NICE TO ANNOUNCE MAHS?
HAPPY MAHS?
DAMN SHIT.
DUN TELL ME WHATEVER FUCK SHIT U'RE HOW WEAK.
KNN.
U SICK PPLE NOT SICK AH?
U DYING PPLE NOT DYING AH?
WHY PPLE STILL CAN STAND STRONG TILL THE LAST BREATH?!
U? EVERYTIME WEAK WEAK WEAK. MUST WELL DIE EARLIER RIGHT?
I DUN FUCKING CARE HOW MUCH KARMA IM GONNA HAVE AFTER CURSING U LIKE FUCK. BUT SERIOUSLY U'RE PISSING ME OFF SO DAMN MUCH.
COS THERE'S NOTHING MUCH FOR ME TO THINK OR WORRY ABOUT ANYMORE.
IM JUST WAITING TILL THAT DAY...
WHEREBY EVERYONE WILL GATHER FOR ME. =)
WHEREBY U GUYS WONT FEEL IRRITATIONS FROM ME ANYMORE. =)
U NBPCB LAH! CAN U STOP IT!!!!!!
STOP HURTING PPLE!!!!!
NOT EVERYONE IS AS STRONG AS U THOUGHT THEY ARE.
THEY MIGHT LOOK LIKE ONE, BUT THEY ARE NOT!!!!

i thought i could forgive u after whatever fucking shit u did to me in the past...
i thought time erased everything...
i realli once thought, im able to say hi to u if i happen to pass by u one day...
BUT NOW.
seriously.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYONE'S LIFE. STOP MAKING PPLE MISERABLE.
times and times again..
one after another...
once u lied, it continues piling up.
dont u fucking know this?
seriously, u're so childish that i thought i can be much more matured than u.
please, seriously, grow up. if not then go die.
girl...
i found out so much of ur DIRTY LIL' SECRETS.
fuck off u cb.
i realli regret...
for once, having a closed one like you.
u disappoint me way too much, and from disappointment turns sadness, from sadness turns anger, from anger...
i never hate anyone. cos i feel everyone has their good points.
but.
seriously.
IM HATING YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.
TO THE CORE.

2010-01-26T12:08:00.003+08:00

FUCK YOU.
NBCD. KNN LAHS!
U DUN COME AND ACT ONE-
"OH IM SO SAD"
"OH I SO REGRET LETTING YOU GO"
"OH IM SORRY I HURT YOU SO MUCH"
"OH PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF"
"OH IM SO SORRY"
"OH IT'S ALL MY FAULT"
WHATEVER FUCK SHIT. SHUT THE FUCK UP.
it's you who did all those f. things first.
it's you who made everything turn out this way.
HELLO! if u never appear, things wont become this way.
SHE wont become someone like that.
if it's not for you this nbpcb bitch, she wont become so emo everyday.
she wont be hurting.
if it's not for you, she wont find it so hard to stand strong, to find reasons to smile everyday.
if it's not for you, she can believe in love and find trust easily.
if it's not for you, SHE'LL BE HAPPY NOW.
FUCK YOU.
WHY DID U HURT HER TIMES AND TIMES AGAIN.
F.PLAYER. FLIRT.
how many pple u wanna hurt then u're happy?
target?
stop all these shit before i come straight right up to you and kill you.
U DUN ACT ONE LIKE YOU'RE SUCH A NICE PERSON,
SWEET PERSON,
QUIET, CARING, WEN ROU...
DUN ACT LIKE U CAN UNDERSTAND EVERYONE AND MAKE USE OF PPLE'S WEAK POINTS.
FUCK YOU!!!!!!! DUN LET ME SEE YOU.
i realli regretted knowing you.
realli i do.
regretted spending money on you,
regretted treating u right,
regretted telling u so much things,
regretted trusting u,
i seriously regretted caring for you.
didnt know i can be so stupid.
didnt know so many pple can be so stupid.
U MADE ME LOSE TRUST IN ALL THESE THINGS.
no wonder pple lose trust in YOU.
BLOODY F.ER.
GOODBYE FOR GOOD.
i hope u rot in hell. =)
i dun mind dying for cursing u to the max. seriously... U SUCK.
i've not been bad for so long.
when it comes to you, i dun think i need to be nice anyway.
OH AND I SERIOUSLY DUNNO WHAT'S WRONG WITH ALL THE CUSTOMERS TODAY.
IM SO PISSED OFF WITH JUST ANSWERING PHONE CALLS.
i almost scolded one customer just now. damn. WHAT'S WITH TODAY SERIOUSLY! why everybody is CRAZY!
madness's in e air. =.="

day number 511. . .

ur so like bleeding right?
wait. just wait. . .

nyways, i've just been back from mc.
've been down with fever, flu & cough.
seen doc, was being forced to bring that dumb referal letter to ttsh.
cos it was issued to me long ago, yet i left it at home hanging.
was being scolded.. by doc. =.="
'pls, learn to cherish yourself.'
dun feel like mentioning whats happening to me, dun feel the need to say too. =)
only can say,
IM SO GONNA DIE BEFORE YOU GUYS. =)
be glad about it. no more irritations from me. ^^ yeah.

've been happy for the past few days.
very happy.
am contented enough.
thanks... for everything.
this sweetie pie*, thanks. =)
domo-kun.
dinner.
shopping.
slacking.
kiamie's birthday.
eating. eating. and still eating.
super bloated. zzz
i shall find something to give him as belated pressie.
only gave him the green tea cake and drink. )=
sorry kiam kiam. hahahas.

dun tell me whatever nonsense like...
'there nothing like forever'
'nobody will ever be there forever'
'nobody will stand strong, always being there for you no matter what happens'
becos u never trust.
me.
u can doubt all u want.
but im telling u.
i will.
i duno why i will. but i will.
if u shall turn back one day and see,
u'll realise i've always been there.
angry. sad. happy. smile. frowning. crying.
i've seen all of it.
even when i know all these are for someone else.
yes, though it hurts, but i still cant bear to throw u alone.
u're like a small kid to me, that i wanna care so much about.
call me dumb.
but that's my true feelings.

我想起了遇见你的时候　
想起你眼神中的温柔
想起了我们第一次牵手
我闭上眼
想起当时你怀里的颤抖
似乎那麽害怕失去我
然而到後来我什麽都没有　
当你离开的时候

2010-01-20T11:52:00.005+08:00

day 505. . .

do you still remember,
the whole picture when we met for the first time?
from the moment everything fluttered,
my love, was filled with your name.

do you still remember,
the way we held hands together for the first time?
from the day i loved you,
it wont be memories of u, alone anymore. . .

maybe in the future,
there'll be happiness, there'll also be hurts and pains.
but no matter what, i'll hold you tightly in my arms,
never will i let you cry becos of love. . .

if there's only one last shining star left in the sky,
i'll let it shine for you, taking away your lonliness,
and let happiness lead you.
one day you'll definately see a guardian angel beside you.
that'll be my heart, always looking over you, always being there for you,
just wanting you to be happy. . . always.

do you know how much it hurts me to see u this way?
u made me blame myself so much.
am i realli so bad?
do u realli hate me so much?
am i the barrier to ur love life?
it's becos u care about me, u dun wanna hurt me, u keep urself this way?
am i realli dat lousy?
are u miserable?
u said no one cares, but i do.
u said no one bothers about u, but i do.
but why didnt u see.
why u'll onli notice others but not me.
seriously, do u detest me so much?
am i supposed to leave and disappear from u?
u know what,
u may feel hurt, but u're not the only one.
at least when the whole world leaves you, you'll know who to turn to.
no matter how much u dun want to admit, but you'll know who to turn to if NOBODY really NOBODY cares about u.
but have u spared some thoughts for me?
if one day the whole world leaves me, do i have anyone to turn to and rely on?
u can show how strong u are.
but u know in front of who, u can take off ur mask and be ur true self.
but me?
i have to even wear a mask infront of u.
EVEN YOU.
why did we drifted till this way.
where's ur conscience?
when did u turn out to be so heartless?
u dun need to hurt urself, cos u can hurt me.
u dun need to cry, cos u can make me cry.
u dun need to bleed, cos u have no reason to. if u so wanna see blood, cut me then.
I JUST DUN WAN YOU TO BE HURT.
I DUN WAN TO SEE ANY INJURIES ON YOU.
am i dumb? . . . . .

im laughing, yet im crying.
im crazy, yet i must be normal.
i dun feel like working anymore, yet i have to force myself to.
i wanna go home, yet i cant.
i so wanna kill pple, yet i dun dare.
am i supposed to laugh or cry now.
i feel so much pain.
i have to get hurt becos im losing you.
i have to withstand the hurt u inflicted on me.
i have to hold on to myself and be there for you no matter what.
i have to get hurt even more becos i feel the hurt in u.
i have to get hurt even much more becos i see u hurting urself.
do u know im like double of u.
do u even UNDERSTAND when i say IM NOT AS STRONG AS YOU THOUGHT I AM?! I NEED SOMEONE TO RELY ON TOO! I CAN BE INDEPENDENT. BUT I NEED CARE TOO!
do u even SPARE ANY THOUGHTS FOR ME?!
FUCK YOU!!!
haha. i dun need any guess. I KNOW U DON'T.
im like sad? angry? happy? smiling? crying? gosh.
IM MIXED. (:

im sorry. . . i loved the wrong way.
i loved you too much.
im just a paranoid freak.
an oversensitive bitch.
and an overprotective cb person.
call me slut. (:

2010-01-16T14:33:00.003+08:00

watashi gozen hijouni sumimasen,
en nakare ketsubou warera tame shimekiri appu hon shikata. . .

watashi nou yu- urei motte touhou,
itto iiya anna watashi ato shinkeigasurudoi furi-ku. .
itto tadashii anna en kea daibu yaku tamae...

learnt this myself..
super difficult. but i feel it's all worth it. . .
cos im sorry. sorry for everything i've done.
sorry for becoming a freak.
i duno why am i this way.
am i the only one in the wrong?
if pple doesn't treat me in a certain way, i wouldn't have turned out this way too right?

you were right...
to leave me.
yes, u were right.
im never good enough for you. . .
all u do is look forward, continue loving other pple. . .
but u never take a look back at me.
never.
ur words. . .
ur shoutings. . .
ur attitudes. . .
ur way of talking to me,
i'd rather u just take a knife and stab me to death.
cos u're just like trying to kill me unknowingly. . .

i didnt ask for more,
all i wanna do now is be there for u. . .
and all i wan now is u to be as close as me as how we used to be.
not like now.
it's not like that. . .
it's not.

2010-01-14T17:44:00.002+08:00

if i were supposed to leave one day,
will u guys be happier?
i know i was sucha bitch in the past.
i havent been nice to you.
havent been nice to everyone.
in my eyes, i onli had myself.
when u shared half of ur world all with me, when i filled half of ur life...
i didnt realise. that one day i will love you so much.
i took u for granted.
till u couldnt take it and left.
but the time u left, was the time i loved u more each and every day.
but u didnt.
the love u had, lessen as they passed.
it's me, who turned you to be someone so heartless.
it's all my fault.
u were right.
for leaving me.
u were right, for not showing any care for me anymore.
u were right, for leaving me to pick up the pieces by myself.
u were right, for telling me things, made me bleed and put up stitches day by day myself.
u were right.
for leaving me.
im not worth ur love. cos i hurt you.
no matter how much i do now, no matter what i do now,
i cant turn back time anymore.
in other pple's dictionary, there's e word forgive.
there's e phrase, forgive and forget.
there's e sentence, if u forgive and forget, you'll be happier.
up on ur mouth, u can keep saying u did.
but deep down in ur heart,
u just made me feel u didn't.
becos u still will blame me for hurting u so deep down in the past.
becos no matter what i do now, u'll never turn back and look at me again.
becos u dun trust that i'll never hurt u ever again. . .
u never.

day number 499.
raining heavily as usual.
it's been raining heavily since yesterday.
well, the same goes for me.
i've been having on and off fever since ytd.
it didnt feel good. . .
im hay-wiring.

I just can't believe you're gone
Still waiting for morning to come
Wanna see if the sun will rise
Even without you by my side

When we had so much in store
Tell me what is it I'm reaching for
When we're through building memories
I'll hold yesterday in my heart

I thought i could do it without you.
I thought i could make it through without you.
I thought the pain would lessen as time goes by...
but i guess i was wrong.
your words and the things you do,
can just kill me.

I thought our days would last forever
But it wasn't our destiny
Coz in my mind we had so much time
But I was so wrong...

im sorry. . .
but i love you.

2010-01-05T02:59:00.002+08:00

Sending out a mayday, we’re going down.
The thing we could've done would've turned it round.
Everything we had, scattered everywhere.
Searching through the wreckage of a love affair.

You got something to say?
Say it to me,
not everyone else.
You say that I’m to blame,
my words are in vain.
Don't go fooling yourself.

There’s a little black box, yeah
somewhere in the ocean, holding all the truth about us.
It’s a little black box, a record of emotion, everything that ever was.

You may deny it, deny it
but when I find it, find it
I’m gonna play it aloud to the world.
A little black box, yeah.
A little black box, yeah.

There's alot of pressure when you get deep.
You left me on my own at six hundred feet.
I was looking round for a little help
but everyone was looking out for themselves.

You got something to say?
Say it to me,
not everyone else.
You say that I’m to blame,
my words are in vain.
You're fooling yourself.

There’s a little black box, yeah,
somewhere in the ocean,
holding all the truth about us.
It’s a little black box,
a record of emotion,
everything that ever was.

You may deny it, deny it,
but when I find it, find it,
I’m gonna play it aloud to the world.

A little black box, yeah.
A little black box, yeah.

You can’t stop a true survivor,
you’ll discover that all on your own.
'Cause I’m a true survivor
and I’ll be there after you’re gone.
Long after you’re gone,
long after you’re gone.

thats wad i feel like saying though. . . . . .

2010-01-03T14:49:00.005+08:00

My valentine running rings around me
Hanging by a thread but we're loosening, loosening
The sparks were flyin' not the type that we need
Bringing a fire that is burning me , burning me

(I know) Nobody said that it'd be easy
(My heart) That we could find a way, make a way
(But you don't) You don't prioritize me
How'm I s'posed to believe yours games will ever change, ever change

It's such a dirty mess imperfect at it's best
But it's my love, my love, my bloody valentine
Sometimes I wanna leave but then I watch you next to me
My love, my love, my bloody valentine
Maybe I should but still I just can't walk away
Try to convince me once again that I should stay
Through all the brokenness this bleeding heart must confess
I love my love my bloody valentine
Love my love my I still love my (bloody valentine)

I opened doors but you close them on me
I'm compromising won't you show the same, help the change
You're phone is ringing it says shorty, so tell me
What's her name, how'd she get your number?
Don't try to be playin' me

(Cuz i'll know) Before you even say anything
(But I hope) You wouldn't lie to me, don't lie to me
You know that we've been here before
OH Don't patronize ,don't feed me lines
Just change your ways yeah make it right

It's such a dirty mess imperfect at it's best
But it's my love, my love, my bloody valentine
Sometimes I wanna leave but then I watch you next to me
My love, my love, my bloody valentine
Maybe I should but still I just can't walk away
Try to convince me once again that I should stay
Through all the brokenness this bleeding heart must confess
I love my love my bloody valentine
Love my love my I still love my (bloody valentine)

2010-01-02T16:08:00.000+08:00

since the day u left me. . .
it's been four hundred and eighty seven days..
im still remembering the days when we laughed and smiled together.

i dun wanna be someone so close to u until like a family. . .
i wanna be ur girl. . .
):
i wanna hold ur hands, melt in ur arms, feel the warmth from u, smell the scent on u. . .
i wanna lie on ur shoulder, feel the care u have for me, the way u wanna protect me. . .
i wan all these.
i wan those sweet sweet moments. . .
i. . .
i wanna feel ur embrace.

i've been missing u so much.
so damned much.
that i hate myself for being like that.
WHY AM I SO IRRITATING.
am i realli that lousy?

had a long, super long talk recently.
actually, im really quite happy that u told me so many things. . .
but, it's realli heartbreaking.
im like, trying to be strong infront of u, talking to u like a fren.
but do u know how much im suffocating..
im realli dying inside. . .
IM NOT ALWAYS SO STRONG. . .
im not as strong as u thought i am.
u know who to show ur weakness to.
but me? who am i able to show?
i can shout out loudest that i'll be by ur side whenever u need someone.
but u?
everytime i need someone, u're not there at all.
suddenly i duno wad else to say.
i have so much things to blog about, yet i duno wad to say anymore.
i see the best in everyone.
so no one is evil to me.
some might call it 'being used'.
but i dun find it this way.
everyone has the choice to find who they want, talk to who they want.
for me, if one moment u're unhappy, u come i find me, definately i'll be there.
even if the next moment u're out happily with some other pple,
im fine with it.
becos at least i was there for u.
i hate no one, becos everyone can be nice.
but fyi, i hate no one, doesnt mean i can be happy with everyone.

dun disappoint me. . .
after the talk, u're like. . . back to how u used to be.
i thought u would change. . . but.
stop disappointing me anymore.
wake up ur senses, and stop PLAYING around.
seriously, I DIDN'T KNOW U CAN BE SO SWEET TO OTHERS.
dun make me hate you. (:
till the extend that one day when u need someone, realli realli need someone, i'll turn my head away from you.
im serious.

zzz. the last event i blogged about was my birthday.
O.o
now's 2010 already! HNY to all. (:
hope my life gets better this yr. ):

christmas eve celebration was fun though.
met up with ky they all. went raining. (:
drank. yah. i guess was tipsy. zzz.
i become lousy already. . .
AND THANKS TO THAT SNOW SPRAY. -.- my black shirt became white. zzzz

new year eve,
seriously BORED.
but ok lahs. am happy to see jitson, susan, jas. . . whom i haven seen for quite some time.
went bq to drink again. -.-
yea. i wasnt drunk (:
jitson was tipsy! hahahaha.
in the end cabbed back cos jas no nr... ))))):
im broke. ):

things are so different anymore. . .
u changed.
changed to someone so heartless.
changed to someone so. . . . . .
if i dun feel for u,
i'll feel disgusted.

2009-12-15T11:52:00.003+08:00

a common song that everyone knows,
yet so meaningful. . .
that everyone never gets tired of listening times and times again. . .

"i never had a dream come true,
till the day that i found you,
even though i pretend that i moved on,
you'll always be my baby. . ."

pretended. . . since the day u left me.
withstanding for 469 days.
):

it's been some time ever since i last updated again. . .
have been busy with work.
super busy.
have been out with frens, going home to do housework. . .
cos mommie have not been feeling well, so im the one doing the houseworks. -.-
didnt have the time to sit down in front of the com as long as im not at work.
if it hadnt been for my eyes, i think i wouldnt even have the time to sit down and blog.
my eyes, red and painful.
since ytd.
went to see doc and am on MC. (:
and it was mom who asked me not to go work. . . zzz -.-
had been at home the whole day today. >.<
i need alot of rest though. . . im too tired too.

updates bout birthday :

angeline mommy and jas came down to ms specially to pass me my birthday pressie and wished me. (: super happy happy. (: i missed u guys really much though.

went club hopping with. . . GIRLS. (:
amy, shiyun, yatie, irene, tabby, huichiun. (:
in the end back at Arena.
and 3 bottles of chivas was on the table when i was back from smoking. =.= zzz.
shocked ofcos.
and yea, i was dead that day.
i didnt even remembered how i got home. but they told me i took cab home myself. -.-
guess i managed to walk home though.
:x
thanks pple. for that 3 bottles. SO EXPENSIVE. ):
thanks so much. . .

met up with val, suz, yanning, angelineky, ky & eunice. (:
at amk. had dinner, and my birthday CAKE! (:
THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH. cos that was my first and only cake for this yr's birthday. . .
cos mommy was in hospital.. she cant get any cake for me like how she always does every year. .
and thanks so much for the pressies. i love them so much.!!! realli.
(:

went supper club.
had so much jaggerbombs.
that im so afraid of the taste now.
zzz -.-
was super hyper that day.
and oh my. ribs hurt after that night. -.-
guess i shook too much. :x
and i've not been clubbing since duno like when. so long alr.
that's why my ribs will ache after that. -.- lols.
think so..

that's all for my birthday this month. (: well although doesnt sound much, but im happy enough. (:

christmas . . .
HOW ARE WE GONNA CELEBRATE?
or will it be just another normal day?
no way.
i'll plan.
and u guys better come come come. (:
cos. . .
SANTA CLAUSE IS COMING TO TOWN. ((((:

i sound so happy, yet im so unhappy. . .
cos. . .
WHY ARE PPLE LIKE THAT?
MEET LESSER => MISS MORE?
MEET LESSER => CARE MORE?
MEET MORE => CARE LESSER? TAKE FOR GRANTED?
you are someone that i have nothing to describe but just FUCKING STUPID.
u dun seem to appreciate pple that cares and bothers alot about u.
cos u noe they will always be there?
u thought there wont be a day that they will leave u?
u can scold and show attitude to those that will actually be there for u nomatter what happens.
yet u are caring to those that u dun meet up often.
u can laugh and play happily with them.
whats wrong with u.
whats ur problem.
WHEN ARE U ABLE TO WAKE UP.
A PERSON CAN NEVER OWE BOTH SIDES OF THE WORLD.
IF U HAVE ONE SIDE U DUN HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT, BE CONTENDED ENOUGH.

pissed off enough.

2009-11-29T14:22:00.002+08:00

suddenly thought of shiyun's combo.
KNNBCCB.
i missed shiyun and mommy though. . . (:

i tell you FOR THE LAST TIME.
IN THE BEGINNING, I NEVER TALK ABOUT YOU AT ALL.
NEVER AT ALL. BECOS I DUN SEE ANY PURPOSE.
BUT THANKS TO YOU.
IN THE END YOU'RE MAKING ME SAY YOU.
DUN MAKE ME SOUND BAD.
I DUN LIKE TO SAY PPLE.
THIS IS THE SECOND AND THE LAST TIME.
NEVER COME INTO MY BLOG AGAIN!
IF U STILL WISH TO, THEN READ IT AND SHUT UP.
anyway, my blog doesnt concern u too.
so u dun have to read it ANYWAY.
u should noe by telling them, they'll come confront me.
and so, i'll noe u're the one.
EH HELLO! SEE PROPERLY!
U'RE NOTHING, SERIOUSLY NOTHING TO ME,
I WONT EVEN SAY ANYTHING ABOUT YOU.
COS YOUR STUFFS DOESNT EVEN BOTHER ME.
NON OF MY BUSINESS.
AND FYI, IM NOT BLOGGING ABOUT YOU!
CANT I BLOG ABOUT OTHER PPLE?
AND U DUN HAVE TO KNOW WHO ISIT.
AND BY THE WAY, IF U SOOOOOO DAMNED FREE TO COME AND READ MY BLOG, IF U WANNA COMMENT ABOUT IT, KEEP TO URSELF. (:
I HAVE MY OWN FREEDOM TO BLOG, AND I DUN HAVE TO REPORT TO YOU!
AND STOP MAKING MY NAME SUCK.
DUN ANYHOW PUT WORDS INTO MY MOUTH.
AND DUN ANYHOW MALIGN PPLE.
PS* I HATE IT WHEN PPLE SAY I DID SOME THINGS WHICH I NEVER!
STOP BEING PARANOID OR OVERSENSITIVE OR WHATEVER.
COS U ARE NOT EVEN ANYONE TO ME, I DUN SEE A NEED FOR ME TO BLOG ABOUT YOU.
YOUR STUFFS... DOESNT CONCERN ME AT ALL!
DUN CROSS MY PATH, AND I'LL NEVER CROSS YOURS. SO U BETTER STOP SAYING ABOUT ME. COS I NEVER DO ANYTHING WRONG.
AND ALL U HAVE TO KNOW IS, YOU HAVE NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING FOR ME TO BLOG ABOUT!!!
that's it. stop bothering me with all these.
i dun wanna be so childish.

446th day..
time is ticking. . . . . . .

thanks to your two de morning messages.
made my day. (:
seriously, thanks ah.
im so damned pissed off okay!
what am i now?
CRIMINAL?!
hello, i never do anything wrong okay!
get the facts right, who am i talking about, then start saying.
DUN ANYHOW ASSUME.
STOP MAKING ASSUMPTIONS.
damn.
arghs.

met up with val that kuku bird at tao huay ytd.
while i was mentioning about ky,
ky appeared! (:
with leanne, yzanne and eunice.
went to get nasi lemak and went 800+ eat. (:
talked and slacked.
happy to see them again. realli super happie. (:
missed them so much.
they have their own lives now, busy with school and work. . .
while im still busy with work and self-study.
when am i able to go study?!
rahs.
shall work harder.
(:

are relationships always so fragile?
):
makes me wonder. . . should pple even fall in love?
-.- zzz
they looked so happy sometimes, but sometimes,
there will still be sadness in their eyes. . . . .
what can i do.
can i do abit more for u guys?
just abit more? ):

"sometimes when people decide to leave you for good, you have to let them.
no matter how much you dont want them to.
there are some things that are far beyond our control.
even if u have the strength to fight for them,
you have to accept the cold, harsh truth-the people you cant live without, can live without you."

2009-11-24T22:50:00.005+08:00

"Tell me, have u ever looked and lost somebody,
wish there was a chance to say i'm sorry,
can't you see?
that's the way i feel, about you and me baby,
have u ever felt that your heart was breaking,
looking down the road you should be taking,
I should know,
cos i loved and lost, the day i let you go. . ."
445th day. . . . . . .

kays, it's been some time since i've updated.
one week?
have been busy at work for this whole week.
went home sleep everytime.
didn't even feel like turning on the lappy and blog.
if not then study at ys.
no u didnt hear wrongly.
yes, study. -.-
im gonna take on DMDM. (:
diploma in Marketing Design and Management.
another name, dip in design and marketing. . . short form. -.-

i've been going home after work almost everyday.
have not been going club, drinking, etc. . .
smoking lesser too.
am on my way to being a good girl. (:

work has been alright.
wasnt at marina sq for a day (which seems like A WEEK).
was @ thong sia building - orchard branch.
STRESS.
orchard branch's so called the main for SS,
cos it's the highest earning branch. -.-
i was there, as their front desk.
nothing else but stressed.
am glad that i was there for only one day and im back to lovely MS. (:
missed my colleagues sooooooooooooo much.
i dun wanna go anywhere else but marina sq.
so pray that i wont be going to other branches anymore.
pls. -.-

birthday's on the way. . . (:
but seriously, i duno wad to do this yr.
dun even know who'll be free.
work, study, exams, overseas. . . . .
just go do ur things bahs.
im ok with not celebrating. cos my mom will be in hosp on the 10th, so if im not celebrating, i can go hosp to visit her.
so, yahs.
if not, then just forget it ba. (:

PH ytd. (:
OUTING! (:
met up with angelineky first. cos i end work e earliest. (:
went shopping around while waiting for the rest. . .
and shared one MCFLURRY. which i havent been eating for like. . . duno how long.zzz
and in the end i stomach pain. -.- lols.
finally they came. -.-
finally. . . MISS YANNING's free for once. zzz
so total there's love-yanning, darling suz, pts twiny angelineky, super skinny kailin, yanning's another one fren, and super-hyper-for-the-day val (cos she's like as if never take medicine like that, -.- and keep kicking my ass ): )
went STEAMBOAT. (((:
had super loads of food, eat until everyone's super bloated.
and felt sleepy..zzz LOLS.
happy to see them seriously. (:

suddenly i miss so many pple. . . . ):

seriously,this is purely how i feel.
but, why does she have to tell everyone her condition?
is there a need?
i mean, if ur condition is that bad, would u like to let others know?
no.
for me no.
but why does she have to like... BROADCAST?!
having so many medicines, cool?
or u just simply want pple to care for u?
sympathy is enough for u?
shouldn't u learn to cherish and take care of urself more,
so that u dun get sympathy from others?
instead of sympathy, shouldnt u be looking for true love, care and concern?
how many pple knows about my condition totally?
i think not even one.
only my mother knows.
just remmber something someone told me.

"u dun need to attract attention, dun need to tell the whole world wads going on with u, dun need to do things to make pple care for u. becos if pple realli care about u, they will naturally show it. if people dun care, means they dont. u dun need to do anything anymore."

ps* and sometimes pple doesnt show, doesnt mean they are definately ok.
sometimes the ones that keep quiet, and laugh their way through, actually have more problems than those that broadcast themselves. . .
fine, i've said my piece.
UP TO YOU.
you do whatever u wan and it's up to u if u dun wanna cherish urself.
dun eat.. dun care.. dun rest.. up to you.
((:
cos u're just another hi-bye smile pass person to me..
im just, maybe a lil concerned?
i duno.

i've been trying. . . hard.
i'm realli trying already. . .
"sometimes when people decide to leave you for good, you have to let them.
no matter how much you dont want them to.
there are some things that are far beyond our control.
even if u have the strength to fight for them, you have to accept the cold, harsh truth-the people you cant live without, can live without you."

but still,

You lift my feet off the ground
Spin me around
You make me crazier, crazier
Feels like I'm falling and I
I'm lost in your eyes
You make me crazier, Crazier, crazier. . . . .

-line

2009-11-17T16:53:00.002+08:00

i was busy the whole day.
and suddenly i received this message.
"line, im going for an operation on your birthday..."
i was like. O.O!!!!????!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??
called my beloved mommy straightaway.
and i meant my real mommy. not angeline mommy. -.-
and she told me...
she went for the checkup @ kk today.
and checked that the wat you call that. . .
fibroids or something? yah fibroids. i think.
my mom had two inside.
and one in the middle.
she said, no matter where also can, worst is middle.
and her's, one is in the middle.
and it's like 5cm big.
can u imagine. a 5cm thing growing in ur uterus?!
):
i cried while talking to her.
in SS. on my front desk.
colleagues saw.
everyone saw me.
but i cant help it.
i cant do anything. there's nothing i can do. . .
i made her cried too.
she had to be cut open too. . .
and she'll have to stay in hospital.
it's like...
hearing her words. . .
it hurts so badly.
i told her, how can i even enjoy my birthday when u're in the hospital. going through an operation?! why cant u fix another date?
her reply was 'u sure celebrate with ur frens mahs, so u just go enjoy lahs. we'll celebrate with u either on the 9th or the 11th. okay.'
so thats wad im showing her.
everytime hanging out with frens. . .
fooling around.
not @ home.
?
she said no. it's just that, u definately have frens to celebrate with you... so u can go enjoy, the next day then visit me, it's still the same.
i cried even more..

i have an understanding mother. . .
i cherish her. i love her alot.
she's like a best friend to me rather than a mother.
really.
she knows i smoke. she knows i like girls. she knows i tattoo. she knows im gonna get a bike.
she sees her daughter turning into a bad girl.
but she still loves me for who i am.
all she say is.
'this kinda bad, is ok. u dun bad until go kill pple, do illegal stuffs, im happy enough.'
she's accepting me for who i am and understanding my kinda life.
yet im not doing well as a daughter to her...
my bad. . .

2009-11-17T12:38:00.000+08:00

super dumb. my post was saved in the drafts for ONE FULL DAY.
cos i didnt have the time to complete it. -.-

my mind's in a mess
all i'm able to say now is
I DON'T KNOW~
today's. four hundred and thirty four-434th.

im so so so tired. ):
slept at almost 4 yesterday.
and woke up at 7 today.
my eyes are closing...
and i've been busy since morning i stepped in.
cos today not alot of customers.
i had to keep calling and ask whether they wanna come today.
phone cant stop ringing.
my mouth cant stop talking.
my brain cant stop working, to recap how long each treatment lasts so that i can fix the next appt.
my hand cant stop erasing, writing, highlighting, typing, liquiding, picking up the phone receiver.
im so tired. zzz.
super shag..

im so happie..
mommy and jas came down and find me yesterday.
SUPER HAPPY. (:
they were waiting jus outside.
first thing they said to me when i went out was,
"im gonna faint".
my sms from them before i went out was,
jas: "im not feeling well, gonna faint."
mommy: "jas's gonna faint, i send her to hospital first. see ya later."
lols. i was like laughing crazily. -.-
had dinner and shopped for. . . biscuits.
lols.
we had a plan. actually is they both had done this before.
but im just adding in set C. cos they onli got set a and set b.
i'll buy the set c then. hahahaha.
save money.
biscuits for lunch! cheapest one wins. (:
shall go shopping on thursday or friday with these two sweetie pies. (((:
seriously, im always very happy when pple come find me. cos. .
ms is so boring can?!
i dun have frens working here. ):
sad. . .
when i smoke also have to smoke alone.
saddening. ):
pple! drop by more often okay. (:

was supposed to watch movie later after work.
but forget it. it's not on anymore. ):
feel like saying so many things.
but i dun think i shall say it here.
cos some pple can see. (:
just. . . dun u find it weird?
thats all i can say.
i mean, so what if u're open? not until this kinda extent?
do ur noe each other very well then?
kays fine. i've said enough.
im just very unhappy.
i dun dislike.
i dun hate.
remember this. though i complain alot, and blabbers alot.
but i mean no harm.
i jus need to voice out that little bit of anger, and i will be fine.
towards everyone,
i dun have any unhappiness once the night is over.
i sleep, i forget, i wake up, and it's another day.
so i dun hate pple/dislike pple.
im fine with everyone.
just that, i have frens that im able to talk to.
and frens that are jus 'hi-bye'.
arghs.
just drop the subject.
im so tired. i wanna sleep already.

to eu*.
im sorry.
im not LIKE THAT AGAIN.
im already nice enough.
at least i didnt go crazy and continue ranting any further.
i just find u. . . i duno should say u weird? or stubborn? or dumb? stupid? blind? forget it. (:

and to u*.
i might sound bad.
but im not like that.
just. . .
i find it so..
i duno lahs.
u will never understand. ):

u guys. . . please go use your own eyes to see, to hear and to feel.
observe and listen and feel it.
thats all i can say...

"im willing to be the spare tire,
to fill the emptiness in your heart."
i cried.
not becos of what's happening.
i cried becos of this sentence that u've said.
i kept quiet.
i didnt answer you.
cos i duno wad to say.
i dont know how to tell you.
maybe to u,
im jus another fren.
and u might jus be treating me nicer than usual,
becos im jus a fren.
but no feelings attached.
since there's no feelings attached,
why must u say something that moves me?
can u dun be so nice?
please?

who is she.
is she realli that nice to you guys?
so that u guys can give up me becos of her?
is she realli so much better than me?
does she have a nice character?
good attitude?
everything better than me?
am i realli that bad?
do i realli irritate pple so much?
do i realli look so bad in your eyes?
. . .
if i am.
im sorry.
im not someone like that.
they might look weak. . .
cos they voice out their problems be it typically problems, or physical problems or whatever.
so i dun say anything, means im fine? im okay?
im just trying to be strong sometimes?
but do you guys see it?
no. . .
it's realli hard.
i will be stronger than what you guys think.
becos im not like them.
i dun want pity.
i want true feelings, true care, true concern, true love. . .
deep from the heart.

"Life is fragile. . ."
but why is my life so un-die-able?

YOU KNOW THIS SONG MAKES ME THINK OF YOU*.
Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see
What I want and I need
And everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful
That girl he talks about
And she's got everything
That I have to live without

Drew talks to me
I laugh 'cause it's just so funny
I can't even see
Anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love
He's finally got it right
I wonder if he knows
He's all I think about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

Drew walks by me
Can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She better hold him tight
Give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes
And know she's lucky 'cause

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

So I drive home alone
As I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down
And maybe get some sleep tonight

'Cuz he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into

Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see . . .

good-bye*

2009-11-12T10:57:00.002+08:00

it has been...
429 days since we left each other...

if things didnt turn ugly,
if things hasn't became this way,
we would still be happily,
laughing together,
walking together,
doing everything together...
and we'll still be sweet, funny, cute, everything.
we'll still be standing strong...

3 years, 2 months.
happy birthday.
to the story that yk and val created.
but too bad,
'u' doesnt deserve any celebration anymore.
cos 'u' have ended already.
so now, 'u' are just a memory, a part of me, right back in my brain. (:

my dear beautician Irene's birthday.
almost everyone there's from SS. -.-
but cos im new, i duno so many pple. cos they're all from other branches.
the onli pple i noe is irene and huichiun. which is from ms branch.
lols.
nice enough of shiyun to company me down. (:
anyway, went butter fac.
F. it yesterday.
goodness me.
i was like, drunk?!
thanks to those whisky dry, beer, vodka and f. that 2 jagerbombs.
THANKS AH!
i was okay. can walk. can dance. can cab home. can sleep well. nothing happen. (:
i thought i was well.
THIS MORNING.
here it comes.
i vomit non stop.
shit non stop.
it's like.
everything's coming out from top and bottom.
god. i feel so unwell. . .
why like that huh.
im still fine yesterday.
i didnt vomit nomatter how drunk i was.
but once i wake up, then vomit non stop.
until when im working, i still need to run to toilet and vomit. ):
i think i really got problem already.
):

well..
it's raining again.
im feeling so unwell.
i wanna go home.. ):

我想起了你给我的感动
想起我们之间的温柔
我想起了我们第一次牵手
我闭上眼
想起当时你许下的承诺
把你整个心都交给我
然而到后来我什么都没有
当你离开的时候

2009-11-10T17:20:00.005+08:00

I've been thinking. . . . . .
DAY NO. 427th.

YOU KNOW WHAT?!
best package of the month!
$230 for 10x divine all slim-full body!!!
cool?
who wanna lose weight?
it's like 230 for 10 sessions. so one sessions is onli like 23 bucks!
and definately results. (:
if i have the money, i'll definately go. hahas.
@ slimming sanctuary. (:
cool.
lols.
anyone interested, tell me. haha.

i've been busy the whole day again.
stupid cards.
stupid data entry!
RAHS. im bored to death.
im going crazy.
i can talk to myself, i can scold the phone, if customers doesnt answer my calls when i have urgent things to look for them.
i can see cards until i go blur.
i can even key into the wrong dates.
idiot.
im so tired already.
to think that i have to last till next yr's september.
GOSH.
i have to perservere!

after yesterday's dinner with sy, mommy, val and sz,
im hay-wiring.
=x
i just recovered from fever, and i was eating nasi lemak with extra chilli and fried chicken wings!
here i go again today.
sore throat.
sian.
but im still sharing curry puff and nuggets and fries and soft drinks with my colleague.
haha.
guess wad. i banged my head hard on the cupboard again today.
not purposely, but accidentally.
then my world's like spinning. -.-
luckily i have my panadol with me.
gosh.
too much panadol kills me.
but im still......
FORGET IT. (:
i noe everything myself.
not a need for me to say out much anymore.
i noe my condition. (:

LOVELY jas came down ms and find me during break today.
happy for her, cos she FINALLY found a job.
jealous of her, cos she dun have to work on sat and sun! ):
and her pay is higher than mine.
SAD SAD SAD.
hahas. but im realli happy to see her getting so excited for work.
lols. good lucks girl. (:

WHO WANNA GO BUTTER TMR?!
my colleague's birthday, and im asked to go.
oh my god.
can i not go. . . ):
i feel so weird. anybody accompany me? lols.
i think i'll be dead when thursday comes.
THURSDAY!!!
*u better not fly aeroplane. . .
FRIDAY!!!
IM OFF! ((((:
super duper happy.

exactly one month later,
it's my birthday.
HAPPY. (:

guess wad?
u're hurting me so much u never thought u will.
cos u never knew.
and know wad?
im smiling happier than ever now. . .
but deep down,
im hurting much more than ever. . .
i duno why.
but it hurts to say,
it hurts to admit,
i still love you . . .
kill my brain. get out of me.
will ya? (:
thanks for that "KINDER JOY".

我要爱就直奔你方向
我要梦想抱你个满怀
无论路上遇到多少
荆棘和障碍
我都不怕
我存在就为了你的爱
你一直都活在我心海
每一天睁开眼看你和阳光都在
那就是我要的未来

2009-11-08T16:44:00.006+08:00

WITHOUT YOU. . .
DAY no. 425th.

as long as my heart still beats,
as long as it still has you,
as long as u're still standing strong in it,
the days'll keep adding,
like how my feelings for you. . .
moves on.

was realli happy on friday.
guess it was the happiest day in my life recently.
finally. like so finally. i get to meet you.
like so finally.
just the two of us.
from sun rise, till sun set.
from moon's asleep, till moon's awake.
though at the end, u'll still be going somewhere else,
meeting someone else,
but im still happy enough.
my day was great with you.

met at polyclinic.
companied her to the doctor.
she was lame, -.- before she even met me.
okay. for once.
she made me laugh to my phone. (:
and one small girl thought i was retarded. kept looking at me.
super ps.
ps*. please take super good care of urself.
dun keep on falling sick and wasting money to the doctor's.
save up some money.
medical bills are never cheap.

then went autobay@KB.
collect baby.
maybe he prefers staying in the hospital. -.-
u always never take care of him. ):
until he super ill, cant move, then everytime admitted to hospital.
waste more money.
U SEE.
okay, but collected. now fine already.
pls take care of him.

it's been so long, since i sat behind u.
holding u.
it's been so long since i see ur back.
it's been so so so long, since i felt the wind on my face,
feel the speed,
feel the rain drops,
felt like im falling off when im almost to the ground...
these feelings. . .
i thought i was able to feel it everyday when u told me this.
"help me find b lei"
"help me call lei"
"help me check d prices lei"
"u wanna get a b?"
"so that next time we can save money together, then i can bring u to work."
save money TOGETHER. . . . .
it's all gone.
):
where was the you that i once knew?

anyway, went movied after that.
jenniffer's body
well, not a bad show after all.
wanted to watch paranormal activity at first.
but the time slot was like at 11.30pm.
cant. ):
ate and slacked awhile,
she gotta go.
when i thought i could spend the day until its late and realli time to go home.
but no. she's going off. even when she's not feeling well.
and furthermore. . .
i shouldnt say anymore.
i just so hate YOU.
nbccb.
dun come and act one innocent and nice to me.

BYE SWEETEST FIRST LOVE.

cunzhi can even ask,
where u going after she goes off.
i said i duno.
she came right back to yishun ask me meet.
now.
u?
just go off and asked me,
"cant u go home? if no where to go, cannot go home mehs? go home will die?"
then shall i ask u.
"U'RE SO NOT FEELING WELL. CANT U GO HOME? REST FOR ONE DAY. WILL DIE?!"
fine forget it.

that day after she went off, met up with april yip and cunzhi.
jitson and susan came later on.
in the end they came my house. picnic and mahjong.
lols.
cheese toast la. maggie mee la. potato chips la. longan la. etc etc.
eat eat and eat.
zzz
haha. (:
mahjong-ed till 6am!!!!
and im working at 9.30am!!!
gosh.
i slept awhile wanted to wake up at 730.
yet i woke up at 830.
got 30++ miss calls from kor and susan.
POWER TO THE MAX.
was late for work again.
):
there goes my seven bucks.
fell asleep super early when i got home after work.
yah thats how boring my life is.
work, sleep.
work, sleep.
work, sleep.
im no more playing anymore. ):

u said our lives are different already.
im working full time.
yet u are studying and working part time.
u said im not someone u will cherish anymore.
thats whye now,
u can meet or dun meet me.
u said.
if that time i didnt crush on somone else,
u wouldnt have liked others.
then we wouldnt have quarrelled becos of all these problems.
come to think of it,
how many pple said we were sweet last time?
how many pple said we were cute?
how much did we love each other?
how happy were we?
why do we have to end up this way. . .
so it's all me.
but u never gave pple a chance.
i tried to change.
u can see how much u meant to me.
u can see how much im caring for u now.
cant u feel how much i've done for u?
cant u feel how much u mean to me?
cant u understand that u're the only one?
cant u see my world revolves around u?
forget it. shouldnt say anymore.

yesterday.
boring also.
same life after work, sleep.
cant something FUN happen?!

colleague's birthday's on 13th. she's celebrating on wed.
heading down to butter.
she's asking so many of her frens down.
i feel so weird.
WHO WANNA GO WITH ME!
i canot dun go. ):

today im so so so busy.
stupid me.
key in data.
i had cards from the 5th to key in until today.
guess wad.
i keyed in 5th and 6th into 5th.
and day closed.
then keyed in 7th into the 6th.
then day close.
when i reached the 7th.
i saw the cards.
why i key until 8th already but system still at 7th nov?!
then i knew i forgot to day close on the 5th.
BEST.
called up HQ.
voided EVERYTHING.
re-keyed in from 5th.
wth.
but i finished! (:
from the 5th till today.
so here i am blogging now.
fast right. hahaha. (:
im so getting used to my job now.
seriously, my life's happier here, without that joanne.
she's an irritating old bitch.

okay. i've been sick since yesterday.
i had FEVER.
oh my god.
it's like, so long fever hasn't been knocking on my door.
yet it came yesterday.
wth.
i was like at 39.2 degrees.
crazy.
took medicine and im dead asleep. . .

why is relationship so fragile?
will pple be happier if there's no love?
why do i keep seeing pple cry becos of love?
if love is a happy thing, then why is there hurt?

宇宙洪荒那时候
第一句爱是谁说出口
当时的他
如何形容
对方听懂不懂
开天辟地了以后
第一对恋人什么结果
洞穴湖泊
日升月落
他们爱了多久
如果我们那时就相遇
会不会爱得比较放心
也许分离
还没被发明
来折磨爱情. . .

2009-11-05T13:01:00.003+08:00

suddenly i got so much things to say.
but suddenly im lost for words again...

you're lost from my heart. . .
the 421th day.

firstly,
my off day's FINALLY here.
TMR TMR TMR!
(((:
anybody free? ):
im free tmr. ): i have no idea where to go, what to do.
i wanna go suntan tmr if it doesnt rain.
ANYBODY? SUNTAN? (:
im still thinking where shall i go tmr. . .
hmmms, i wanna go somewhere nice and do something meaningful tmr.
but i have no idea. ):

sians.
stupid amy darling was supposed to meet me tmr.
but in the end cant.
and she still scold me becos of . . . . .
shouldnt mention anymore. hais.
forget it okay darling. realli. dun say about it anymore. . .
i dun wan things to end up ugly...
good luck for ur exams! (:

guess im going home after work again.
no where to go.
not heading club already. everyone is broke.
and not alot of pple go = sian.
and it's raining heavily again.
for the past few days it's been like that.
november and december season.
*pretty sky, pls dun rain this way on the 10th december.*
i wanna have fun. (:
and stupid work, u better let me off on the 10th. otherwise im gonna PON!
-.-

went stupid ladies night with stupid shiyun yesterday.
and the stupid girl cried stupidly the whole night.
and me this stupid girl, accompanied her the whole night.
at least i stupidly made her laughed stupidly the whole night. (((:
and this stupid me forgot to bring ic becos the stupid shiyun keep asking me to faster.
in the end i stupidly rushed out of house without my stupid ic.
when we reached clarke quay, then i stupidly told shiyun i forgot to bring that stupid ic.
SUPER STUPID.
sian. realli sian totally already.
stupid arena = NO.
stupid rebel = NO.
stupid zirca = NO.
stupid artica = YES.
do i look stupidly young?
cant u pple see im old enough to be a stupid old lady?
ah. sian.
in the end stayed stupidly in artica.
not too bad too.
danced stupidly and sweat like we just came out from a shower. -.-
sat down stupidly with the drinks,
while resting, taught that stupid shiyun to play 5-10.
and we sat there stupidly playing 5-10 and drinking.
ok yesterday night was realli stupid.
and those guys.. urghs. makes me wanna puke.
suddenly i remembered one shirt SOMEONE bought me.
"i dun hate men. but they just piss me off."
thats the wordings imprinted on it.
LOVE THAT SHIRT TO THE MAX.

something to add in. (:
mommy was super duper nice to talk to us on e phone yesterday while we were on our way to party.
and she's super duper nice to remind me to bring plastic bag. -.-
something realli super duper nice is she even call me this morning to see whether im able to wake up for work. SO NICE RIGHT.
love ya to the max! angeline mommy. ((:
(ps* stupid shiyun, u dun snatch away my mommy even though she's ur pts!) hahahahas. (:

ok no more laughs.
wad i told u is totally my past, my experience, my feelings...
the things i told u, is realli wad i went through.
it's realli up to u to listen or not. but question urself.
-what causes all those quarrels? what happened actually?
-what if that time, u didnt say/do what u said or did? will things be different?
-what if u take a step back?
-have u ever stand at her point of view?
-have u ever thought how she feels?
frens, are the ones that will be there for u when ur gf abandons u.
always remember this.
so dun abandon ur frens becos of ur gf.
(that was my biggest mistake)
and u're almost doing the same thing already.
"why cant u treat me nicer like how u treat ur frens?!"
think about it.
if she realli treats u the way how she treats her frens, are u sure u will be happier?
or u'll feel even much more INSECURE?
actually, u dun see it urself.
but do u know outsiders, pple at the sides, they can see that actually she's already doing her best to treat u very nicely? do u actually know that u're special to her?
u're not a fren to her. u're her gf. and this is the thing that she KNOWS. and she knows how to draw the line.
she knows.
oversensitive, paranoid, jealousy, insecurity, communication.
is the thing then brings up ur quarrels.
have more trust in her.
u should know very well how she treats u.
u should know very well how much happy moments u guys shared.
dun spoil all these becos of quarrels.
before u open ur mouth, THINK.
say already, got use mah?
will the thing be solved? or quarrel again?
does it even change after u talk?
if no, then SHUT UP.
let it be.
accept it. have trust in her.
if u feel u lack of a sense of security, tell her.
tell her how u feel.
but never say "u treat ur frens better than me"
that's confirm NO.
becos u never view it from another point of view.
all u do is stubbornly stand there and never think how well she actually treats u.

have u ever thought about ur faults?
when u're quarrelling, keep shooting.
non-stop, who are u actually blaming? keep scolding the other party right?
got think how wrong are u urself?
i say CHANGE, but do u realli sit down and think what u have to change about?
think, what can u do, how can u become, so that ur partner can be happier?
dun tell me things like, oh, if i cant give u happiness, then i rather let her go. maybe she'll be happier with someone else.
NO. that's not the way. u're just simply avoiding if u do this.
instead, think of what u can actually DO, so that ur partner will be happier with u.
ur understand each other well enough.
ur should know what each other actually wants.
ur should know how to make each other happy.
CHANGE FROM THERE.
dun make the same mistakes again.
dun quarrel over stupid things again.
especially, dun keep flipping up the past to quarrel over the same thing.
simply, POINTLESS.

[i dun wan ur*. . . to go the same way like how we* did. . . and end up the same ending.]
realli very saddening de.
i've said my part.
(:
the rest is up to you guys. . .

suddenly i felt,
i can tell pple alot,
but i cant do it myself.
im still stucked here.
not moving on.
still missing her.
so badly. . .
i thought meeting her lesser, not contacting, will somehow ease the pain.
i thought making myself busy with work, i can stop myself from thinking about u.
but no. not at all.
im still thinking about how are u, are u alright, did anything much happen to u, have u been taking good care of urself, etc etc . . .
im still missing the past.
im still flipping memories when im staring at my com. not doing work.
how have u been. . .
do u think of me, like how i did?
i guess. . no ba.
(:

我不是你想像那麽勇敢
多想让你保护能流泪一场
让我放下武装
像个孩子一样
单纯的把爱情放在你心上

我不是你想像总是扮演坚强
多想让你知道我也要个伴
放下讨厌武装
像个孩子一样
单纯的把爱情放在你心上
我不是你想像的那麽勇敢

2009-11-02T17:42:00.003+08:00

not you anymore. . . . . .
DAY no. 418th.

rain rain go away,
come again another day.
it's been raining so heavily that i cant even see cars.
unlucky me.
almost got knocked down by one stupid speeding car in e morning when i was rushing to work.
and somemore, i dropped ten bucks when i went for lunch jus now.
so wth right.
today im down.
so i shall head home after work.
to prevent more pains.

some thing to add in.
recently i jus watched one movie with april yip, shiyun, xiaoyuan and phoebe(i think that's how her name spells ba).
my sister's keeper.
yes, abit long alr the movie.
but until now then we watch. cos just nice there's one movie all of us never watch before.
so went in.
at first still ok. in the middle, i cant help it alr.
my tap opened!
phoebe's too.
april's reaction was super funny.
she was watching half way, then suddenly turn to me wanna talk to me.
the suddenly "EH! why u cry." -.- lols.
then xy saw phoebe crying, she cried too.
only april yip and shiyun these 2 cold-blooded animal never cry.
lols.
realli super touching.
VERY NICE. (:

looking at the rain, i remembered the times when i walked in the rain to find u.
u didnt even care.
all u did was mia.
arghs. shall forget about unhappiness.
actually.. my memory is failing.
i cant actually remember much anymore.
):
all i can say is.
i'm loving u whole-heartedly.
and i've never stopped loving u.
the feelings are still there.
im just surpressing them everyday..
how long haven i been seeing u?
for weeks le ba.
seriously, i've been missing u badly.
i doubt u even think about me. RIGHT.
u are happy enough.
but im not bad too.
LUCKILY.
i still have they all. . .
and realli they all.
im contended enough.
seriously, thanks for staying by my side and being there for me.
people.. thanks. (:

halloween that day was. ARH.
dun even wanna mention bout it.
had to work.
i dun even have the time to dress up.
mommy they all went social house all prepared.
dressed up and cool. (:
didnt plan to go in the beginning.
stayed home till ten plus.
in the end was asked to go down and forced to.
so cabbed down.
saw loads of pple there.
AM SUPER DUPER HAPPY TO SEE WEERONG THERE. (:
oh, why weerong huh? (:
cos remember.. she's the person who first offered me a cig! >.<
she's the one who teaches me how to smoke.
WEERONG! the bad influence. hahahas.
no lahs.
that was like when we were working at carl's jr.
everytime she cry, she find me.
she run away, no matter how april find her, also cant find.
but she will tell me where is she. (:
then everytime i cry, she will find me.
then one day, i asked her. how does it feel to be smoking?
she say, u wanna try?
i hesitated.
but in the end i took it.
yup. cos i was sad becos SOMEBODY started smoking from that day too.
and her first stick?
APRIL YIP.
lols. funny right. (:
i got from weerong. she got from april yip.
has. thats carl's jr.
saw qiaoxin also.
april that idiot, at first dun wanna go.
in the end i see her at soho.
stupid.
mommy, jas, jeanice, faith, don, . . . . . . her whole big group of frens were all there.
shiyun and her fren too.
ah tong was there also.
i suddenly rmb.
i hugged so many pple that day. (((:
had beer. with weerong and qiaoxin.
but afterall, i went off early. cos gotta work the next day.
saddening. ):
THURSDAY people. im gonna see u all again. (:
and this time im gonna STAY till lights on.
cos friday IM OFF!!! (:
like so finally... (:

it's not i wanna be bad..
but the things u do.
realli irritates me to the max already.
i so hate this kinda pple.
what. u make use of pple everywhere?
pple treat u good truely and from deep in the heart.
yet u? FAKE? lying here and there?
it's okay if u kick me out.
cos i knew u long wanted to.
then u can do what u did to them.
and u did it.
u kicked me out and there u go.
but cant u see pple are caring u from deep in the heart?
yet this is how u treat pple?
its ok for me.
but them?!
u know the word hurt?
to them, is hurt.
to me, it's just disappointment.
do u go round hurting pple like that?
NO MATTER WHAT U DO, PLEASE BELIEVE IN RETRIBUTION.
thats all i can say.
if u still have the face,
return wad u should.
and what belongs to others rightfully.
taking advantage, doesn't bring u anywhere.
if u have the ability, WORK FOR IT YOURSELF.
dun drop hints here and there,
and BOOM. here comes the thing u wanted right in front of u.
they dun do magic.
they used their hard-earned money too.
so... spare some thoughts for pple.
its not i wanna say u.
PLEASE GET THIS CLEAR.
i dun like saying pple.
i realli dun like.
and i dun have any grudges against u.
but.
i just feel. . .
ARGHS. forget it.
i just knew way to much things than them.
it's becos u kicked me out early.
showed me ur attitudes, ur pattern.
so i realised. . .
and i heard and see lots of things.
im a human.
with eyes, ears, and heart.
i can see hear and feel.
im not dumb. . .

have been on medication alr.
cos if i DONT,
my head will hurt badly while working,
my world will spin.
i will vomit non-stop.
thats wad i always go through now.
even when i drink, i very fast jiu KO.
whats going on with me, i dun even dare to think about it.
seriously,
its not i dun wanna go back.
but im just scared.
i just wanna run away and enjoy for now. (:
let it ba bahs. ((:

finally i finish my pile of work. (:
then i can continue my trg as to becoming a beautician! (:
im learning full body massage now. (: happy.
hahas.
hardworking right?! i finish my frontdesk job and i go learn from my beautician colleagues.
next time i can convert already! (:
hahas.

You're everything I thought you never were
And nothing like about you could've been
But still you lived inside of me
So tell me how is that
You're the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I loved and not forgive
And though you've break my heart
You're the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can't erase the times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now I hate you its pains me to say
I know I'll be there at the end of the day

2009-11-01T10:45:00.006+08:00

i shall change the numbers.
EVER SINCE YOU LEFT ME..
day no. 416th.
im gonna sad die already.
why am i so bad in the past.
until pple leave me one by one...
i wanna change for the better.
i wanna be nice.
i wan YOU to see the changes in me.
can u pls. stop avoiding me.
why cant we just be NORMAL frens,
why cant i continue liking u?
why do we have to end up like strangers like that?
i've been bad maybe, last time.
but haven i been nice?
always onli rmb how bad am i.
have u think of how nice can i be?
haven i done enough for u?
no matter how bad am i.. to u.
ultimately, do i still care and love u as much?
i may sound bad when i talk,
but do u know what my heart's thinking??!!!
read me from deep inside.
not the surface. . . . .

haiis.
hey hey hey.
u pple wan me vomit blood or wad?
do i have to kill myself and appear in ur dreams so that ur can trust and believe wad im saying?
wake up.
stop being deceived.
FOR WHAT STILL CARE...
when u're all cheated.
HOW MANY TIMES UR WAN ME TO REPEAT.
CAN U GUYS WAKE UP???!!!!!
one is never give anything, but give the heart.
in the end got hurt.
now still caring for her. FOR FUCK.
got cheated still not enough? havent learnt ur lesson?
or u loved her way way way too much?
another one, gave phone and heart away.
thought ownself alot of money.
still have to borrow money from pple to eat, can u pls think for yourself before u think of others?!
how dumb can u be..
another worst one, gave phone, psp, heart.
all these, false hopes. is the onli word ur tell me in the end.
in the end still ran away to someone else. correct?!
IM SO DAMNED PISSED OFF WHEN I KNEW ALL THESE.
nvm if no one understands.
cos pple can be dumb at times. i am one big dumb too.

i've been working since last monday.
and im going to work all the way until next friday.
THEN OFF.
for one whole week plus 5 days, i have been working EVERYDAY.
no off.
so wth right.
damned tired.
im ending work soon.
FINALLY im free for one day to blog. ((:
i've been super duper busy for the past few days.
cos month end.
)):

shall add in bout halloween yesterday,
and stuffs later..
im going off from work le. YEAHH! (:
for now byes.

2009-10-28T17:07:00.003+08:00

we dunno about each other's life anymore. TOTALLY.
DAY NO. 19 . . .

i didnt know actually my blog still invites readers.
i thought my blog rot already.
i thought no one reads, so i just add in everything i wanna say.
maybe i shouldnt have said about my weakness.
i dun wan pple to care about me..
i will CMI.
i will 'open tap' again.
ok . . . cry.

but no matter wad, thanks..
thanks pple, for caring.

yanning sweetie,
no matter what happens, u are always there for me.
i even shouted at u before over the phone.
u saw all my attitudes.
u saw all my tempers.
u put up with me, like as though u're my gf.
but.. im realli thankful for all the things u've done for me.
i realli appreciate everything u did and every word u said.
thanks for everything.
u're someone close to me, that i will realli cherish. and i wont repeat the same mistakes again.
stop being so busy sometimes. ): hahas.
yanning sweetie, i love you. ((:

oh and yesterday.
suddenly i feel everyone took the wrong medicines.
=.=
cunzhi suddenly talk so wen rou to me. (:
and she's suddenly so nice and caring.
not scolding me anymore. (((:
she said i ate wrong medicine when i kept saying i miss her and stuffs.
but i think she should be the one. lols. cos the things she said yesterday...
was realli so... SWEET. (: suddenly i so love her also hahas.

april yip.
yesterday also took wrong medicine. suddenly...
tell me EVERYTHING.
that she has been keeping in within herself.
ke lian de her. ):
my pistachio, was supposed to be happy everyday..
but.. can see, she changed le.
give urself some time ba.
i can see u did enough le..
say everything out, dun keep everything to yourself.
one day, u will end up be like her*.
i dun wan u to treat her like how she* treats me okay...
cos i noe it hurts alot.
so whatever it is, must commnicate well with each other okay. (:

bekah and steff.
as usual, making me laugh. and tempting me to DRINK!
rahs.
yesterday they drank. i didnt. ): sad sad sad.
cunzhi ytd was so nice to talk to me nicely,
that bekah had to take over her job and scold me.
stupid bekah.

slacked and talked alot of things.
i should be realli glad. and i am.
that i still have them..
w/o u guys, i think i die alr.
thanks pple.

oh and im shocked ksquare tagged me. -.-
seriously i am. hahas.
but thanks for ur concern anyway.
very very nice of u. (((:
u take care too okay.
stop ur gorging of food. >.<
learn to take care of ur stomach.
dun over eat. (:
oh im still used to calling u ksquare. not used to calling u keekee.
hahas. so i'll still be naming u as ksquare alright. (:
take care. and happy working. ^^

im meeting amy darling later.
like so finally i get to meet her alr.
she's like so busy with her 'o's.
going club later. ladies night. (:
this stupid girl. tell me sian. and wan me to company her there.
im okay with it, as long as i dun 'EARLY' go home.
i gotta work tmr. )):
shall club lesser soon. :(
otherwise im gonna die.
i shouldnt club so much.
club = drink.
drink = im gonna die.
shouldnt hurt myself anymore.
and im tired. lack of sleep. ):
i need more beauty sleep. . .

im damned busy with work today.
seriously work is so tiring. ):
im like.. LOST. i duno wad im doing just now suddenly.
cos im like multi-tasking. but TOO MANY tasks on hand alr.
until i forgot so many things.
but im like wondering, why my memory failed so much?
last time i can remember every single little thing.
now...
one moment, a customer called to cancel tmr's appointment and change date to sat.
i said ok.
the next moment, i got another call.
after i finished talking,
i forgot about it.
until there's one customer asking for a slot tmr, then i thought i got cancellation...
keep thinking, but nothing comes into my mind.
until i have to call back and ask "did u cancel ur appt and reschedule it on sat?"
DAMN ps larhs.
where gt pple like that call back and ask...
stupid me.
i think i realli got some problem up there. which i didnt care about...

i thot u were nice for once again ytd.
guess im wrong again. . .
yesterday u texted me.
and replied my messages.
seriously i was happy.
but today. . .
there u go again.
MIA.
ever since morning i text you,
i got no replies from u until now...
what are u treating me seriously.
happy then reply?
not happy then throw me aside dun care?
hey, even if im not ur gf. . .
at least treat me like a fren.
not a dog or wadeva shit.
it's been like more than 3 years.
and u're still standing strong in me.
the memories are still lingering and still so fresh.
though i already forgot most of them,
but there are some that are written down,
which i face them every night.
gifts from you,
filled my whole room.
how do u expect me to forget u when once i step out,
i hear u.
once im home, i see you.
once im alone, i think of you.
once im working, i missed you.
how do u expect me to get over everything so easily like you.
teach me will ya?
teach me how to be hard-hearted.
teach me how to be heartless.
teach me..
how NOT TO LOVE.
teach me how to throw away all these idiotic feelings..

Remember all the things we wanted,
now all out memories, they're haunted.
We were always meant to say goodbye.
Even without fists held high, yeah
Never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die.

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now
I cant stop

I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And i want u to know
Yout couldn't have loved me better
But i want you to move on
So im already gone...

Looking at you makes it harder
But i know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive

You know that i love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And i want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But i want you to move on
So i'm already gone

~~**[[ThE mOsT bEaUt!FuL @nGeLs R tHe OnEs ThAt $m!LeS =)...aLwAyS...]]**~~

[[ThE mOsT bEaUt!FuL @nGeLs R tHe OnEs ThAt $m!LeS =)...aLwAyS...]]